


Because we're a family

by TheUltimateBookworm



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-06-23 22:56:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 33,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15616848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUltimateBookworm/pseuds/TheUltimateBookworm
Summary: Kaz develops a strange habit of wandering during the night that worries the group. They quickly band together to help. If only Kaz would admit something was wrong.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is the first piece of writing I'm sharing with anyone, ever. I'm very anxious about sharing it. I have tried to get up the courage to post this and failed three times before, but here goes. Please leave kudos and/or comments if you enjoy it. I'm planning on adding chapters (maybe by tomorrow!) But I'll wait to see how people react to this. Sorry it's a bit messy, but please enjoy!

The first time it happens Jesper is the one who finds him. Jesper wakes up far too early. His mouth is dry enough that his tongue feels strange and shriveled. He sighs content to be pressed against Wylan’s side and to hear his soft breathing. He closes his eyes and tries to force himself back to sleep, but the need for water wins.

Rolling out of bed, less gracefully than he had intended, he heads for the kitchen. Jesper nearly cries at the sweet taste of the water. He happily pours himself another glass and picks his way through the dark towards the stairs.

A glint of light from the living room has him reaching for his guns (Yes, he sleeps with them. Sue him, they make him feel safe.) and pressing against the wall. He cautiously peeks in. A figure sprawls on the couch turned away from Jesper. He's fully clothed and a crow headed cane is propped a few feet away, easily within reach should the need arise. The glitter of light Jesper had noticed came from moonlight reflecting off the blade of a knife Kaz had discarded on one of the tables nearby. 

Jesper shakes his head, trust Kaz to use their house as a place to crash. He was probably out late doing business and decided to stay here rather than making his way all the way back to the Slat. Jesper didn't really mind that he was there, though a bit of warning would've been nice. As long as no angry gangs showed up at their doorstep Kaz could stay, he decided, as he made his way back to Wylan and his warm bed. 

He didn't think anything of it and didn't mention it to anyone. After all, Kaz using the house as a temporary hideout wasn't that unusual.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Nina found Kaz curled up in her armchair at nine at night, she simply laughed. Kaz was always pushing himself too hard. This time it was over a scam the Dregs were pulling on some rich mercher that Kaz hated for some reason or another. Nina didn't want to know why and had told him with her no nonsense voice to leave her out of it. Because it was also the voice Nina used when someone tried to eat waffles from her plate, Kaz actually listened. 

So when Nina found him exhausted at such and early hour of the night she wasn't surprised. She was surprised that he was sleeping in her house, but that was quickly explained away by the pile weapons on the counter. Though Matthias had agreed to stay out of danger after nearly dying, he still liked to train so Kaz continued to supply him with the best weapons the Barrel had to offer.

Nina gently guided Kaz’s leg to the footrest. She didn't want his knee to cramp up. Luckily Kaz was a heavy sleeper, a fact that surprised most people since he was otherwise very alert. With that Nina left the room as she and Matthias had plans that didn't involve sleeping.

Late that night she whispered the interesting incident to Matthias. He chuckled and she could feel it vibrate through her as she rested on his chest.  
“So he's human after all.” He smirked. “Looks like I owe Wylan money.”

Nina smiled remembering Wylan’s stubborn insistence that Kaz was just as human as any of them. Ketterdam saw Kaz Brekker as a monster and, though she didn't believe that, Nina had to agree that he was something different, something not quite human. Wylan, sweet trusting Wylan, had argued fiercely against Jesper, Matthias, and herself over the matter.  
“He doesn't need to know.” She mentioned.

Matthias laughed again and kissed her deeply. Soon they had forgotten about Kaz. They never thought about it again, since he was gone the next morning.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Inej was the first person to notice that something was off, but only because she knew Kaz so well. She had seen his genuine smiles and heard his whispered confessions. Though Kaz never gave her much information about his past, or thoughts, or feelings, or really anything, she learned to read him. 

Kaz is anxious tonight. His fingers drum incessantly against his cane, something she would normally associate with Jesper instead of Kaz. It's been nearly an hour and she's sure he hasn't actually done any work despite the large pile of papers stacked before him. 

“Kaz?”

He looks up eyes sharp and troubled. She knows to leave him alone on nights like these. On these nights he's prone to lashing out with cruel words that will hurt her and leave him feeling miserable. It's better for both of them if she leaves. 

“It's late. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow?”

His expression breaks. For a moment he looks desperate, but it quickly passes.  
“Yes, of course.” He says flatly. “Sleep well.”

Inej quietly slips out of the room, closing his door behind her. Sleep comes quickly that night, within minutes of her head hitting the bed she falls asleep. 

Inej wakes with the sunrise as always. She climbs out the window to watch it from a nearby rooftop, one of her favorite spots in the city. She stops short when she finds someone already there.

Kaz is asleep on his back. His arms are folded under his head and his hair is a mess. His hands are gloveless and his cane is nowhere in sight. Inej finds herself watching his chest rise and fall. She doesn't see much of the sunrise, too busy watching Kaz’s fingers twitch as if he picks locks even in his sleep. She notices how he shifts his bad leg every few minutes keeping it from locking up which she wouldn't be surprised if he trained himself to do. 

When Kaz starts to stir, she slips away. Though the morning was relaxing for her, it leaves a seed of worry in her mind. Finding Kaz on the roof after his mood last night worries her. She tries to push it from her mind. It's probably a one time thing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to anyone who left kudos or commented! You all made my day. Here's the next chapter. I'm kind of happy with it so I hope you feel the same.  
> Also two things that you'll notice differ from the book:  
> 1\. Matthias is alive. This is because he's secretly the sweetest and I'd miss him too much if he wasn't.  
> 2\. There are phones. This is 50% due to laziness (it's easier to have them communicate with) 50% because they would be hilarious texters

Matthias knows something is wrong when he finds Kaz sitting alone at the end of a dock only an hour after midnight. 

Matthias normally wouldn't have stopped for anything at that hour, having only been out to buy Nina some cold medicine, but the tap of a cane against the dock caught his attention. 

There was something in the way Kaz sat, that had Matthias walking down a deserted dock at one in the morning with a slightly sick, but very dramatic girlfriend waiting for him.  
“Demjin, don't you think it's a bit late to be out?” He said gruffly. 

Matthias has seen fear. He's held Nina through nightmares. He's hunted Grisha and seen their terror. He's seen terrified young Drüskelle forced into a role they aren't ready for. He knows the fear that comes from almost dying and the nightmares that follow, but he can't imagine anything bad enough to create the kind of terror he sees in Kaz’s eyes. 

“Kaz?” He tries to keep the concern from his voice. “Are you alright?”

Kaz stares straight through him. His arms are wrapped around his stomach. Though he is completely silent and not a single tear makes its way down his cheek, Matthias has a feeling this is what a panic attack for Kaz looks like. 

“Try to breathe?” He mentally curses himself for not sounding more sure, more calm. He's never had a panic attack and has no idea what to do, but he has calmed someone before. His instinct is to reach out and comfort him, maybe hug him, but he knows Kaz won't welcome that. Staying calm is the most important thing he reminds himself.

“You're safe, Kaz.” He says soothingly. “I won't let anything happen to you. Just focus on your breathing. Make each breathe fully fill your lungs.”

Matthias keeps talking Kaz through each breath and finally it seems to help. Kaz almost focuses on him as he pulls in a deep breath. It's pitiful. It reminds Matthias of a fawn standing up for the first time, shaky, unsure and weak, but it's a breath. 

“Good.” He reassures Kaz. “The first breath never feels natural. I know from waking up after dreaming of that gunshot, but it gets easier with each breath.”

Matthias watches Kaz struggle to learn to breath again. He's reminded of a song, more of a chant really, that his Drüskelle brothers used to sing when they were celebrating a victory that came at too high a cost. They rarely sang, but the song was a hit when they did. He never joined in. 

His singing is far from in tune and he can barely carry a melody, so he doesn't sing. He didn't sing with the Drüskelle. He doesn't sing for Nina even when she begs. He can't imagine he'll sing their children to sleep, but he sings for Kaz Brekker. 

They are an unbelievable sight: Matthias singing far from the right key with a melody that he knows for a fact doesn't sound quite right. Kaz terrified and trying to breathe. 

Kaz is calmer by the time he finishes the song. He's not quite Kaz Brekker, Bastard of the Barrel, but he's breathing at least.  
“I was trying to get to Wylan’s, but I got lost and the water…” Kaz mutters. 

Matthias wonders what could cause Kaz of all people to become lost in his own city, but pushes the question aside for now. “I'll walk you there.”

So they walk side by side. The silence is heavy with thoughts, but not awkward. He's glad to reach Wylan’s house as the late hour is starting to wear him down.

“Kaz, we're here.” He says when Kaz doesn't seem to notice. Kaz moves sluggishly towards the door. He pauses to give a small nod that in Kaz speak likely translates to a thank you.

Matthias hurries back and as expected is met with an angry Nina.  
“I'm dying, literally dying, and you decide to take the long route. Take an evening stroll or something? I can't even breath out of my nose and-" She stops as soon as she sees his expression. “What's wrong? Come and sit down I'll get you some tea.”

“I just want to sleep.” He sighs flopping down on the bed. “But can you text everyone to meet for waffles tomorrow we really need to talk.”

Nina nods quickly pulling out her phone to send a group chat out. 

“Oh, and don't include Kaz.”

Nina fixes him with a stern expression.

“I'm serious. This has nothing to do with me not being Kaz’s biggest fan. You know I think of him as family like the rest of you. Nina, trust me, don't invite Kaz.”

Nina raises an eyebrow, but does what he asks. Since the Ice Court they always do everything together, as a group of six. The only time someone is left out is when the group is talking about said someone. It's happened with all of them except Kaz.

They talked about Matthias recovering from the gunshot wound that nearly took his life. There's been multiple meetings about Jesper and keeping him from gambling. They've discussed how to make Inej feel included even when she's away at sea and how to help Wylan with the reading he has to finish without making him feel invalid. Nina knows there was a meeting about how to help her fully gain her strength back after jurda parem. 

They've never met to talk about Kaz though. Mostly because Kaz always seemed to have it together. Sure, he didn't have the best morals and they often worried he'd take something too far, but he never struggled at least not that they noticed. What could possibly be wrong with Kaz? More importantly how would they fix it when Kaz was always the one with the plan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be added in a day or two. I won't always update this fast, but I'm not super busy right now.  
> Also I wrote Kaz's panic attack as quiet and hard to notice because I imagine he'd be good at hiding them. It's also similar to my own so it was easier to write.  
> Also, also please always get permission before touching someone you think is having a panic attack.  
> Thanks for reading! Have an awesome day or night!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another chapter. As always thanks for reading, leaving kudos, or commenting. This is sort of a filler/set up chapter, but hopefully it keeps you entertained.

On a normal day one does not wake up to find Kaz Brekker curled up at the foot of their bed, so when Wylan wakes up he freezes. 

Kaz was sound asleep similar to the nearly comatose way Jesper slept after a caffeine high. He looked exhausted, but peaceful.

Wylan reached for his phone. This was worthy of a group gathering. If it was anyone else he would've waited, but this was Kaz. Kaz didn't seek out human contact. Wylan couldn't think of any good scenario where Kaz decided to sleep at the foot of his bed. No, something was definitely wrong.

He unlocks his phone to find the group chat is already blowing up.

LiteralGoddess: This is just your average 3am text telling you we need to meet for waffles. See you at 10.

WraithOfTheSeas: Nina! You forgot Kaz.

LiteralGoddess: Kaz isn't invited.

WraithOfTheSeas: Is he ok? What happened?

GentleGiant: I saw him last night and he was… off. I think he's fine for now, but we need to talk. In person. 

WannabeSniper: Ok, now you've got me freaked. I'm on my way now. See you soon. 

WannabeSniper: Side question, who's paying?

Wylan glanced at the time: 9:30. He had to hurry. He quickly changed in the bathroom, using the voice to text feature to text the group.

Sunshine&Rainbows: Kaz is at my place. He's physically fine. Looks tired, but is sleeping now. I agree with Matthias. We need to talk. I'm worried. I'll be there soon.

WraithOfTheSea: Leaving now. Hurry up and get there.

WraithOfTheSea: Please.

LiteralGoddess: Don't worry about being polite, Nej. We're all as concerned as you are.

GentleGiant: Nina and I are only five minutes away. Meet in the normal booth.

WannabeSniper: Sweet. I'm here. But seriously who's paying?

Sunshine&Rainbows: Jes.

WannabeSniper: Right, we're worried about Kaz. Sorry. I only have five dollars with me and everything sounds good.

Sunshine&Rainbows: I'll buy you some.

Wylan covers Kaz with a blanket. He's always been worried about Kaz. Everyone expects him to have a plan and he's built a reputation that is hard to uphold.  
Wylan knows that Kaz, brilliant as he is, is only human. People expect things from Kaz, often too much, and Wylan knows from his father what that kind of pressure can do. 

He sends Kaz a text for when he wakes up since writing a note isn't an option. He tells him that he had to leave early for a meeting, but Kaz can help himself to breakfast. He explains that he's not sure when he'll be back but Kaz is welcome to stay if he wants. 

After sending the text, Wylan hurries to meet everyone for waffles. 

_____________________________________________________

As he expected Wylan is the last one there. Jesper is already forking waffles into his mouth. Nina eats with the same passion, but in a much more socially acceptable way. Matthias sits in his usual arms crossed manner, but his face isn't stern. Instead he looks worried. Wylan’s heart stops when he sees Inej.

The Wraith is in full out Captain mode. She glances sharply at her watch. Her eyes land on Wylan when she looks up.

“He's here. Matthias talk. Wylan sit.” She orders firmly. Her tone must remind Matthias of his commanding officers, because he quickly launches into a report.

“I was out last night buying medicine for Nina and came across Kaz. He was panicked so I sat with him until he was calm again and walked him to Wylan’s since he said that's where he was trying to go.” Matthias pauses as if that wasn't the big reveal. “He said he was lost.”

Jesper chokes on his food, “Clearly a lie. Kaz knows every inch of this city.”

Matthias shrugs looking unsure.

Wylan starts to talk, but the group is all speaking at once. Inej is muttering about some rooftop and a letter while Nina tries to suggest something that he can't make out other than her elaborate hand gestures. Jesper and Matthias are arguing. Matthias insists that Kaz really seemed lost, but Jesper firmly gives countless of good reasons why he couldn't have been.

Wylan wishes Kaz was here. Not to hear this conversation, that would be a disaster, but to make a plan. This is when Kaz would step in and tell them to review the evidence, or to think like someone else, or simply to shut up. Kaz isn't here, but Wylan is.

“Stop it!” He yells, well it's more of a slightly raised talking voice, but it gets them to quiet down. “Kaz is asleep at the end of my bed right now. Whatever is wrong is a big deal to him and if we don't do something we'll lose him. This isn't getting us anywhere. We need to think this through. Kaz doesn't accept help. He won't respond well to us mentioning any weakness. We may only have one shot at this before he shuts us out, so we aren't going to mess it up.”

There's a moment of shocked silence, before Jesper breaks it, “Dang, merchling, I've never wanted to kiss you more than I do now. You're hot when you're in control.”

Everyone turns to Jesper with varying degrees of exasperation and disappointment, or, in Wylan’s case, embarrassment. 

“I've got an idea.” Inej says. “But it's going to be hard. Kaz will fight against it with everything he has.”

“It's Kaz we expect hard.” Nina says. 

Jesper grins about to make a crud joke, but Inej freezes him with an icy glance. Wylan feels bad, knowing Jesper only jokes because he's nervous. 

“Alright, Inej, tell us this plan.” Matthias leans in.  
As she starts to explain her idea, Wylan begins calculating the chances they actually survive.

Kaz will tear Matthias apart, because he's already seen too much, but though Wylan saw him sleeping this morning he may still have a chance. All things considered he puts his chances of survival at 15 percent, followed by Jesper at 20 and Nina at 30. 

He gives Inej a 99.99999 percent chance, since Kaz would never actually kill her, but the chances he doesn't push her away are closer to 35 percent.

Then Inej starts explaining his role and he realizes his chance of surviving is even lower than Matthias. Which is to say, non-existent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next three chapters are part of mini trilogy in this fanfic titled The Plan.  
> Alternate title: Everyone tries to help. Kaz tries to shut everyone out.  
> I have 2.5/3 parts written and 1 part of that proofread as of now. I'm hoping to continue posting everyday until my life gets to busy for me to do that, but I'm also building future chapters (I have lots of ideas, but they don't want to work when I'm writing them) So if I haven't updated tomorrow just know it'll be worth it in the end. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was actually productive today and got some writing and proofreading done. Thanks to that and all the wonderful comments and kudos I have another chapter for you!

The Plan

Phase One: Inej checks in on Kaz and carefully probes for information. (“You're going alone!” Jesper yells, receiving angry glances from the other customers. Inej nods, “Let me talk to him first. He'll shut down if we all show up.”)

Risks: Kaz blows up and pushes her away.

Execution:  
Inej finds Kaz in his room. His eyes flash and he glares his signature Dirtyhands glare until he realizes it's her. 

He quickly drops his eyes and focuses on the papers before him. After a moment he pats the desk, beckoning her over.

She hops up unto it, careful to maintain a safe distance. 

“Good morning.”

“Afternoon.” He replies coldly.

She glances at the clock. “Yes, afternoon.”

Inej cautiously tests his limits. She leans in pretending to look at a paper; Kaz tenses, but doesn't pull away. She taps her foot against the leg of the table in the way she knows he hates since it not only makes noise, but also shakes the table. He lets it go for a bit, before making eye contact to communicate his annoyance.

“I went to breakfast with Nina and Matthias.” She mentions. Kaz instantly tenses. His eyes grow sharp as he prepares himself for a fight. 

“Nina has a cold and made Matthias buy medicine at one in the morning.” She chuckles, but she knows it sounds forced. “I told her to call you next time since you're up at all hours of the night scheming.”

“Get out.” Kaz says coldly.

Inej’s heart stops, “What?!”

She had expected sharp words and threats. She had considered that Kaz might turn violent. She had known there was a chance he wouldn't respond. Never, in any scenario she ran, did she think he'd dismiss her. 

“Don't play games with me. Did you think those tricks would work on me? I taught you them.” His eyes, perfectly blank, give nothing away. “Get out.”

“Kaz, I just want to talk.” Inej pleads. “Is this about that letter? If you'd just let me see it I'm sure we could figure it out together.”

“I told you I burned it. I told you not to bring it up again. I told you to leave me alone for a few days. It appears you no longer believe or listen to anything I say.” He says icily. “Now get out. I don't want you here.”

His eyes finally break giving away how big of a lie that last statement is. 

Inej meets his gaze, “When you regret kicking me out, I'll still be willing to listen.”

She turns and leaves without another look back. 

Phase One Result: Failure.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter of Kaz being stupid. Don't worry he'll come around eventually.

The Plan

Phase Two:  
(“And when phase one fails?” Matthias asks. Inej glares, “You mean if it fails.” Matthias shrugs.) 

Jesper will casually mention he's leaving town for the weekend. 

(“You've lost me.” Nina says. Inej rolls her eyes, frustrated by all the interruptions, “It's to set up for phase three in case this fails too.)

Nina and Matthias bring him lunch, making it clear they care about him. Hopefully Kaz will want to talk, (Jesper laughs.) if not at least he knows you want to help. 

Risks: Kaz kills Matthias.

Execution:  
Nina rolled her eyes as she read Jesper’s text to Kaz. 

WannabeSniper: Kaz my man! Going to be out of town this weekend so don't include me in any schemes. 

“That's casual?” She snorts.

“Yeah.” Jesper looks hurt. “I worked hard on that.”

“He did, it took him a whole hour.” Wylan mentions and receives a shove for his trouble.

Matthias walks in looking nervous, “Ready?”

Nina nods grabbing his arm to comfort him. They leave Wylan’s house for the Slat. As they trek up the stairs, Nina can feel Matthias trying to slow them down, but she firmly pulls him along. 

“Hey.” Matthias chokes out when they find Kaz hunched over his desk.

Kaz surveys them. His sharp gaze picking apart their reason for being here. He's immediately closed off, however he doesn't immediately force them out. 

“We brought lunch.” Matthias holds up the bag as if he needs proof. 

“Leave it there then.” Kaz says, dismissing them. Matthias looks at Nina. She motions for him to continue.

“Do you mind if we stay?” Matthias says. 

“Yes.” Kaz says sharply. 

Matthias shifts nervously, but presses on, “I wanted to see how you were doing.”

“I'm fine.” Kaz says sharply trying to cut off the conversation. “And you've seen me now so you can go.”

“Are you sure you're fine?” Nina cuts in. “It's okay if you're not.”

Kaz ignores her continuing whatever he was doing before. 

“Okay, we'll leave then.” Matthias says. They pause hoping he'll respond, Kaz ignores them again.

Nina feels her temper flare. Can't the stupid idiot see they're trying to help? Inej had told her firmly that she had to stay calm. The last thing Kaz needs is you yelling at him, Inej said. Unfortunately Nina is very passionate about three things: Matthias, food, and the people she's come to consider her family and Kaz somehow found his way into that last category. 

“You're supposed to be the smart one, can't you see we want to help you. Just tell us what you're feeling!” She yells at him.

“What I'm feeling?” He says quietly. Nina feels chills travel up her spine hearing his quiet tone. While some people rage, Kaz goes perfectly still when he's angry. “I'm feeling that the next person to yell at me in my room will lose their tongue.”

Matthias steps in front of her, glaring at Kaz. He's about to speak when a knife skims his cheek. They both flinch as it embeds itself in the wall behind them.  
Kaz stares at him calmly.

It's more unnerving than if he were wild with rage. It's the calm before a destructive storm, the calm of a predator preparing to kill its prey. It's a calm Nina has only seen twice before. Both times ended with someone begging for death.

“The next one won't be a warning.” 

Nina and Matthias flee without another thought. Matthias doesn't pause, flying down the steps, but Nina does. Despite her instincts begging her to run, she turns around. 

Kaz doesn't look angry anymore. He just looks empty. It's a look she's seen before in the mirror. For weeks after taking jurda parem she'd felt like that. The loss of power and sudden reality of life hit her and she'd been lost. She takes a deep breath, ready to go back in. She knows how much it hurts to be alone when you feel like everything is gone and she's not about to leave Kaz like that. 

Then Kaz looks up watching her with empty eyes, the kind that she associates with Dirtyhands. He twirls a knife twice in his fingers before cocking an eyebrow at her. She flees.

Phase Two Result: Failure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was pleasantly surprised to have lots of time to write yesterday and am happy to tell you that I got a few more chapters written. I'll post one of the chapters I have already wrote each day since I only need to clean them up a bit, but now I'll be pretty busy and may not have as much time to write so be prepared for a slow down in posting after I post the ones I finished today.


	6. Chapter 6

The Plan

Phase Three: Wylan invites Kaz to stay at his house for the night. 

(“He’ll never agree.” Jesper interrupts. “He will if he thinks you're gone.” Inej says. Jesper glares, “What does that-” “It means Kaz trusts no one, but something drew him to Wylan last night.” Inej gives her signature Captain stare.)

While Wylan is distracting Kaz, Inej will search his room at the Slat. 

(“What's at the Slat?” Nina asks. Inej’s eyes are far away, her own version of a scheming face, “I'm not sure yet.”)

Risks: (“Do we have to do this part?” Wylan asks. Nina frowns at him, “Kaz always says to know the worst so you're ready for it.” Inej interrupts grimly, “In this case we may as well skip it, I doubt we can do anything to prepare for the worst.”)

Execution:

When Wylan enters Kaz’s room, he’s already short of breath from both the stairs and the thought of how Kaz will react.

Kaz doesn't look surprised to see him, “You're late. Inej, Nina, and Matthias have already been here. Jesper fled town already.”

“He didn't flee he was planning on going before.” 

Kaz shrugs, “If you say so. What now? Are you going to interrogate me too?”

Wylan takes a deep breath. His thoughts spin wildly as he tries to calm down. Kaz cares for us and would never hurt me. He's just scared. He won't hurt me.  
“Do you want to stay at my house tonight?”

Kaz stares at him, clearly shocked. In any other situation he would've laughed to see Kaz actually be surprised by something, but right now he's simply afraid.

Kaz tilts his head. Now Wylan is the one who's shocked. Is he considering it? 

“”I'll be there at ten.” 

Wylan nods as calmly as he can and starts to leave before Kaz changes his mind. 

“And Wylan?” Kaz calls, stopping him. “I was up most of last night working on plans for the Dregs. I was tired and your room was the closest. Don't look for connections where there are none.”

There are a few obvious holes in this explanation. Kaz may have been up late, but he was at the Slat so there was no reason for him to come to Wylan’s. Even if that was explained away, Wylan’s room isn't the closest no matter which door you come in. 

“I won't.” He assures Kaz. He knows there are some battles he can't win and that arguing would be counterproductive.

______________________________________________________

Kaz let's himself in at ten sharp. Wylan normally is in bed by the time the sun starts to set, but he'd waited up. 

“You didn't have to wait for me.” Kaz says. Wylan just shrugs, pulling out his phone to send Inej a text. He wrote the text early so he doesn't have to risk using the voice to text feature and having Kaz overhear it.

Sunshine&Rainbows: He's here. I'll try to keep him here and I'll text you if I can't. Good luck.

Kaz is struggling up the steps. He has his bag of clothes in one hand and his cane in the other. Wylan follows him up knowing that any offer of help would be shot down. They reach the top of the steps and Wylan points Kaz to an empty guest room close to his own room.

“Fine.” Kaz says sharply startling Wylan. “I was upset last night and I didn't want to be alone.”

Wylan nods afraid to say anything and stop him. Kaz’s cane slams harshly into the floor as he walks into his room.

“I don't need you all hovering around me. It was one night. You're making a huge deal over nothing.” 

Wylan follows him in. He stays near the doorway as Kaz tosses his bag on the bed. 

“Was it?” Wylan asks as gently as possible. “Or has it been happening for a while now?”

“You don't understand Wylan.” Kaz sounds half angry, half desperate. “No one understands.”

Wylan sits next to him on the bed, “We could. All you have to do is explain it to us.”

“Why bother?” He laughs bitterly. “You don't need me. I thought Inej might stay. I don't know why I thought that after everything I said to her, I guess I didn't expect her to listen.”

“It's not like that.” Wylan protests. “You know she wouldn't give up on you.”

“Really? Then why am I having this conversation with you and not her? Where is she now?” Kaz freezes. His expression turns dark. Wylan thought he'd seen Kaz angry before, but it was nothing compared to his expression now.

“Inej.” Kaz growls. 

He grabs his cane and uses it to push Wylan back. He grabs Wylan by the neck and slams him into the wall. Wylan cries out as his head connects with it.

“Don't come near me again. I don't need your help.” Kaz pushes the heel of his hand against Wylan’s throat making it hard to breathe. “Tell the others. If I find any of you at the Slat or near my stuff, I'll kill you and I won't do it quickly.” 

He releases Wylan and storms out of the room. Wylan gasps for breath and pulls out his phone to text Inej. 

Unfortunately his voice is weak and hoarse so it can't understand his words. He ends up typing a string of random letters and sending them to Inej hoping she'll understand.

Phase Three Result: Almost a success.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaz's POV, otherwise known as my worst writing nightmare. He's so well written that I fear I'll fall short, but this chapter really needs to be from his perspective. Hope you enjoy it!

Kaz runs back to the Slat. His knee aches with every step, but he doesn't care if he never walks again as long as he gets there before Inej finds it. 

How dare she! It's his own fault though. He should've never left the Slat at night. He shouldn't have let them see what a mess his is. He should've actually burned the letter!

He ignores the surprised looks he gets when he runs into the Slat, taking the stairs as fast as his wrecked knee will let him.

“Inej!” He bursts through the door. She's sitting on his bed. She found it. She's holding it. Maybe she hasn't read it, some hopeful part of him thinks. 

“Kaz.” She says quietly.

She's read it. He doesn't know what to do. She's read it.  
She can't leave. She'll tell the others. He should keep her here, but he can't just kidnap her, this is Inej. 

“Kaz.” 

He needs to make her forget. What would make her forget? A head injury? If he hits her hard enough she could forget. He'll say she fell.

“Kaz.”

They know she was here though. What did she tell them? What do they know?

“Kaz.”

She has to leave and never come back. She can live with her family. She'll be fine. He needs to get rid of her.

“Kaz.” 

She needs to stop looking at him like that. He's fine. She needs to give it back.

“Give it back.” He croaks.

“Kaz.” 

“Give it back.”

“Kaz.” Inej hands the letter to him. It is shaking, he's shaking.

He doesn't want it. He needs to destroy it. She needs to take it back. He needs- he needs-

“Kaz. Breathe.”

He is. Isn't he? He is. He's just light headed. He's breathing. He is. He isn't. He doesn't know. 

“Kaz. Sit down.” 

He does. At least he thinks he does. Either way he's on the ground now. 

“Careful!” Inej sounds worried. “Kaz. Breathe. You're okay, Kaz, just breathe.”

She's sitting on the ground carefully maintaining a space between them. He wants her closer, it makes no sense, but he does. He doesn't want her to touch him, but he wants her close enough to touch.

“Kaz.”

“Inej.” He sobs.

He's reminded of why he loves her so much, when she scoots a bit closer. His mind panics, he loves her? 

Yes, of course he does, he's always loved her. 

“You're doing well, Kaz. Focus on me.”

He would laugh at her lie, but he doesn't have enough air, so he tries to focus on her. 

Inej with her long, beautiful hair. Inej and her gentle smile. Inej, the only person he can fully trust. Inej.

“Inej.”

She smiles at him, softly, “Kaz.”

“Inej, I tried.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Could everyone use a bit of comfort? I know I sure could. Great! Next chapter is for you then. Well sort of, consider next chapter sad fluff. (But it'll get fluffier soon, I promise.)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter, I'm kind of fond of it myself (probably because it took me so long to write) 
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments and to anyone who takes the time to read this. It keeps me motivated to write more.
> 
> I'm sorry to inform you all that this is the last complete chapter I have written. I have pieces of others and will do my best to finish them quickly. Expect the next chapter Friday or Saturday. Sorry for the wait but I don't have the time to make good quality chapters quickly right now. However I promise to finish this.
> 
> Sorry for the long note, please enjoy the chapter. :)

“I'm glad you did it. Even though it seems worse now, I think you made the right choice.” Inej tells him. “We want to help you; We've always wanted to help you. Will you let us?” 

Kaz stares at the ground. Inej can tell he's exhausted and maybe it's not the best time for him to make this decision.

“You should spend the night at my place. I'll check in with the others and meet you there. Okay?” 

“I can't.” Kaz gasps.

“Don't worry I'm not going to push you, but I have an idea that might help.” Inej says. “Are you willing to try?”

Kaz looks nervous, but he nods.  
Inej sits with him until she is positive he is calm, then she slips out. 

She takes the quickest route, the rooftops, back to Wylan’s house. She rushes, taking risky shortcuts, not wanting to leave Kaz alone. 

“Nej!” Nina pulls her into a tight hug when she gets there. Inej looks around surprised to see open concern on their faces.

“What happened here? Are you okay?” She asks, then she sees Wylan. “Oh my gosh, Wylan!”

His throat is bruised and she can see a bump forming on the back of his head. Jesper is holding ice against one side of his neck. 

“I'm fine.” Wylan forces out, his voice sounds terrible. “I was more worried about you. I thought he was going to hurt you.”

Inej thinks back to Kaz seeing her holding the letter. For a moment she'd been afraid of him. He'd been so scared she wasn't sure what he was going to do. 

“I'm fine, but I've got to get back to Kaz.” Inej tells them.

“What's going on?” Matthias asks. “You've been keeping things from us. This plan was mostly to get Kaz away from the Slat, why?”

“Let's meet tomorrow for breakfast. I think Kaz should be here when we talk. Meet here at eight?” Inej asks.

______________________________________________________

“Kaz?” Inej calls out. Kaz leans out of her living room. His hair is wet indicating he showered. He questions her with his eyes.

“We're meeting them tomorrow. We should talk about this first though.” She says. 

Kaz starts to shut down. His eyes become glassy and he curls in on himself. 

“Easy.” She mummers. “We can talk tomorrow morning if it's too much right now.”

Kaz turns away and gathers blankets and pillows from the closet. He knows his way around as he's spent many nights here talking through plans with her or using it as a place to stay. 

Inej decided to buy an apartment away from the Slat for when she came home. She knows she has a room at the Slat or Wylan’s if she wants it, but she enjoys the freedom of having her own place. 

“Come with me.” She tells him.

She can see it now, the panic underneath his thin mask of calm. How long has he been dealing with this alone?

He should've told them earlier before it got this bad.

She guides him into her room. She unlaces her boots, removes her knives, and sets her jacket aside. Kaz watches her, patiently waiting for her to tell him what her idea is. 

She takes some of the pillows and blankets from him. Hopping into her bed, she starts building a solid pillow wall down the middle. When it's completed, she takes the time to carefully fix the covers, making sure they reach both sides of the bed. 

“Which side do you want?” She asks Kaz. 

His eyes are soft when he meets her gaze. “You made that so we won't accidently touch? So we almost have our own beds?”

“Yes. Two separate, but connected beds. I thought of it a while ago. I thought it would make it easier for you and maybe it would let us be close without triggering any bad memories. I guess now's a good time to try it.”

Kaz carefully sits on the edge of the bed. After a moment to brace himself, he lays down and pulls the covers over himself. 

Inej goes to the bathroom to change, giving him time to adjust. Once changed she busys herself lining up her knives on the dresser. Kaz watches her, slowly melting into the bed. When he's completely relaxed, she heads over.

She walks slowly, giving him plenty of time to change his mind, but he stays. 

She eases under the covers keeping her eyes on him. They stare at each other for a moment before Kaz gives her a half smile. She grins back when he moves an inch closer to the soft wall between them. She closes her eyes, knowing he's alright.

“I'm ready to talk.” 

Inej quickly opens her eyes. Kaz meets her gaze. 

“Are you sure?” Inej says.

He nods shakily, “Yes.”

“What made you decide to do it?”

“You, Inej.” Kaz says sincerely. “You said you'd have me without armor or not at all and I didn't want to lose you.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” Inej asks. “I would've been so proud of you. I am proud of you. I just don't understand why you're ashamed of it.”

“Because I stopped, Inej, I failed.” Kaz’s voice breaks. “It was getting better and I thought about telling you, but then everything started getting worse. The panic attacks came more frequently and got more intense. I started having nightmares again. I can't even take my gloves off to shower anymore.”

“Kaz.” Inej struggles not to reach out. They've held hands a few times, but she can't tell if it would comfort him or make him panic. 

“I've tried everything. This was my last shot and I failed.” Kaz closes his eyes and his hands curl into fists. “I failed, Inej. I can't let go of my armor and now you're going to leave.”

“You haven't failed. You get more than one chance, you have as many chances as you're willing to take. It'll get easier, especially if you let us help you.” Inej says softly. “I'm not leaving, Kaz. When I said I wanted you without armor I wasn't talking about your gloves. I was talking about this, you telling me how you're feeling, what you're thinking.”

Inej slowly reaches across. She gently touches his covered arm. He tenses. She's about to pull away when he leans into it. 

“I want your help.” Kaz says. He takes a deep breath. “I need your help, everyone's help.”

They fall asleep pressed against the wall Inej made. 

Inej thinks it's the best thing she's ever thought of because she can faintly feel his body heat. She breathes in deeply, enjoying that her room smells like him. 

Kaz is glad Inej thought of this because he feels separated, but he knows she's there. He can hear her deep breathes. He can see her messy braid and fluttering eyelashes. He could even reach out and touch her. 

Late at night when he's still struggling to find sleep and she's already shifted through five different dreams, he does just that. He lightly touches her shoulder, lingering just long enough to assure himself that she's there. He feels a flicker of pride when the waters don't overtake him. 

He pulls out his phone and types out a text. After sending it, he finally lets his eyes drop shut.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a nice fluffy chapter to make you happier. Updates will continue to be a day or two (maybe even three :/) apart. Thanks for waiting and please enjoy some happy crows!

Nina coos as quietly as possible. 

When Inej hadn't shown up at eight for breakfast or responded to any of their texts, they had decided to come over to her apartment and see what was happening. 

After knocking for a few minutes and hearing Jesper complain about having to hold the heaviest bag of food, they decided to let themselves in. Not seeing Inej or Kaz in the living room, Nina had gone to check Inej’s room.

“Matthias!” She whisper yells. He grunts and comes over to her. His eyes widen as he takes them in. 

Inej is snuggling with a pile of pillows that are placed down the center of the bed. She's practically on top of them. Nina knows Inej isn't much of a snuggler, but she's trying to maintain a point of contact with Kaz.

Kaz is curled up on the other side of the pillows. He is mostly turned away from Inej, but one gloved hand is placed on top of hers. 

The blankets on his half are tangled and his pillow is on the floor indicating that he didn't sleep peacefully, despite being relaxed now. 

Nina startles when Matthias puts a hand over her mouth. He draws her away muttering, “Don't wake them.”

“They alive?” Jesper asks re-setting up the breakfast that they moved from Wylan’s to here.

“They're sleeping so keep it down.” Matthias says protectively. 

Jesper reheats the pancakes in the microwave. 

Normally they have waffles, but Jesper insisted they switch it up since they had waffles yesterday morning. “You do realize you use the same batter for both pancakes and waffles right? The only difference is the shape.” Matthias had said. Jesper shrugged and continued making pancakes, so pancakes it was.

Nina and Matthias set out the fruit, whipped cream, chocolate chips, sprinkles, peanut butter, chocolate spread, and three flavors of syrup they had bought. Nina had done the shopping.

She had expected Matthias to reel her in, but he'd only added another packet of blackberries to the cart. When Nina questioned him he'd said nonchalantly, “Kaz likes them.” 

Nina hadn't paid close enough attention to notice that Kaz took extra blackberries on his waffles or, in this case thanks to Jesper, pancakes. She felt overwhelming fondness for her boyfriend knowing he'd taken the time to know their topping preferences. 

“Does he like sprinkles?” She'd asked waving a jar of them at him. 

He laughed and added one to the cart, “No, but you do.”

Once the table is set up, Matthias starts making eggs while Jesper and Nina argue over how crispy the bacon should be. As Jesper is cooking it more, Nina turns to look for Wylan noticing he hasn't been doing anything. 

He's trying to read something, his forehead all scrunched up.

“Doing okay, Wy?” She asks walking over to him. “You aren't working already, are you?” 

He looks up at her. His voice is still a bit hoarse, “Read this.”

Nina takes the paper from him and starts reading it. She expected it to be related to Wylan’s work, but to her surprise it's not.

Mr. Brekker,  
I'm very sorry to hear that you will no longer be coming to our sessions. I thought we were making good progress. Since you made this decision, it is no longer my job as a therapist to give you advice, however I find myself unable to just let you walk away.

In my professional opinion, the best way to treat your phobia would be through exposure therapy as we have already spoken about. Though your leaving means we will no longer work on this, I think you could continue it with a group of people you trust, perhaps your family. 

To begin with I would suggest simply being near someone else. For example, try sitting next to someone or sleeping in the same room as someone you trust. As you grow more comfortable begin introducing touch at times when you feel completely safe. Start with small things like leaning against someone. Don't include skin contact until you feel ready. 

An increase in panic episodes or seemingly worsening phobia is common at the start of recovery as it is easy to become overwhelmed. With the severity of your phobia, I recognize that working with a stranger may not be the best way for you to overcome it, however I believe that you could see improvement when working with people you trust.

Best of luck with your recovery,  
Dr. Deely

Nina looks at Wylan, “How much of this were you able to read?”

“Not much.” He replies. “But I got the basics. Kaz was going to a therapist for a phobia, specifically a fear of touch, and now he stopped but we can help him. That's all the important stuff right?”

Nina nods. Nina hugs him, thankful that Kaz tried to get help, thankful that this doctor took the time to write him this, thankful that Inej found it, thankful that they can help. Kaz is going to have their support whether he thinks he needs it or not. 

Nina hands the letter to Matthias. He reads it then glances towards Inej’s room smiling slightly, which for Matthias is practically an uncontrollable grin. 

Jesper takes it from him. He scans the page. He doesn't look as excited as everyone else, “This is great and all, but we still need Kaz to agree to letting us help.”

Nina still grins, “Yes, but he went to a therapist, he wants someone's help.”

“Then why didn't he tell us?” Jesper asks. 

“Kaz hates to look weak and to him this is a weakness.” Matthias says. “The letter mentions that he may have more panic attacks in the beginning. They probably got worse and Kaz did what he always does, pushed it down and hid it from the world.”

Jesper finally smiles, “You better be ready then, because I'm going to beat you all at this helping thing. I am an excellent helper.”

Wylan rolls his eyes, but he's smiling too, “It's not a competition.”

Inej walks in then. Her hair is a cute mess. She blinks at them, “You're pretty smiley for people who broke into my house. Don't you know what I do to people who break into my house?”

Nina hugs her tightly. Jesper comes in from the other side to join in. Wylan and Matthias watch happily. Inej finally manages to wiggle out of their grip, “You read it.”

Nina nods, hugging her again. Inej smiles, but it's reserved.

“Just because he wants help doesn't mean it'll be easy.” She warns. They all nod, knowing it's true. Yet Kaz willingly accepting help is a huge step forward that needs to be celebrated, so they are quickly laughing and hugging again. 

“He needs to ask.” Inej says. “You need to let him ask.”

They quickly agree they will and continue the round of hugs. Once everyone has been hugged, they finish setting the table. 

“I think this calls for a drink.” Jesper says. He's met with four cold glares. Inej leans forward and very seriously offers him her orange juice. He shrugs it off, “Worth a shot.”

They squabble about spots. Normally everyone wants to sit by Wylan since he's everyone's sweet younger brother (expect Jesper’s obviously, because as he put it, “I'm not big on incest.”), but today everyone wants to sit by Kaz. Inej doesn't need to fight for that spot since it always has been always will be hers, but the spot on the other side is up for grabs.

“You're loud.” 

The focus of the room quickly switches to Kaz standing in the doorway. 

He somehow manages to look put together despite just waking up. His hair is messier than usual, but still nice enough to be considered neat. He slept in his clothes, but they still manage to remain mostly unrumpled. He's pretending to be mad that they woke him up, but everyone in the room knows him well enough to see it isn't real. His cane taps as he enters the room.

Their seating debate is settled when Matthias pulls out a chair for him, which Kaz accepts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a doctor, so sorry if the note seemed forced or awkward.   
> You can't help someone until they want your help, but good news Kaz wants help! Let's face it, he'd do anything for Inej. Like say, I don't know, buy her a boat.   
> Also Kaz is totally a blackberry person. Dark, kinda bitter, remind you of someone?
> 
> Writing Update: I'm currently working on the next chapter and hoping to write a lot this weekend so more will be coming. Thanks for the kudos and comments they make me want to write more.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another fluffy chapter! Enjoy it because it won't last for long.

Breakfast with Nina and Jesper is never quiet, but today they are calmer than usual. Wylan can tell that they are trying to leave opportunities for Kaz to interrupt. Kaz either doesn't realize or more likely ignores them. 

Kaz keeps sneaking glances at him. Wylan notices how his gaze lingers on his bruised throat. His father would call him a spineless wimp for not demanding an apology, but Wylan doesn't want to live like his dad did. He makes eye contact with Kaz, “It's not too painful since I've been icing it. It looks worse than it feels.”

Kaz nods grimly, “I'm glad. I'm sorry for hurting you. I wasn't thinking straight. Can you forgive me?”

Food falls out of Nina’s mouth and Inej has to pound on Jesper’s back to keep him from choking.

“I forgive you.” Wylan smiles. “Though if you do it again I'll have to actually defend myself.”

Kaz snorts while everyone else laughs at the thought of Wylan trying to fight Kaz. 

Breakfast continues smoothly after that. Everyone is getting antsy, wanting to mention the letter, but Inej told them to wait so they wait. And wait. 

They finish eating and still no one has said anything. Kaz clearly knows something is up, but Inej looks relaxed so he doesn't worry. 

They wash the dishes in silence. Once that is finished they gather in Inej’s living room since no one is about to leave without talking about this. They sit silently staring at Kaz. 

Wylan knows Kaz is stubborn, but even he breaks after five minutes of silence and unblinking gazes.

“When did you have the meeting?” He asks.

“After Matthias found you.” Inej says.

Kaz nods thoughtfully, “You should leave all planning to me, this was terribly executed.”

Inej gives him a look that says we're here now aren't we? 

“Fine if you want to make the plans, then what now?” Kaz asks. 

“That depends on what you want.” Nina says. They watch him with a mixture of hope and worry. 

Kaz stares firmly at the wall, “Will you help me?”

Nina practically screams yes. She reaches for a hug before freezing and redirecting to Inej. Jesper is talking ninety miles an hour and Matthias is grinning goofily at the floor. 

“You don't have to act so surprised.” Kaz grumbles. “You're being dramatic.”

Wylan grins at him. He scoots over and rests his hand on the floor next to Kaz’s gloved one. He ignores how Kaz instantly recoils and instead focuses on how Kaz slowly slides his hand back so they are side by side. 

“You can stay at our house tonight.” Nina says.

“Yeah, and you can bring your work to our place and work next to Wylan and I. It'll help you get used to being around people.” Jesper adds.

Matthias nods, “Maybe you should tell us what your phobia is though, and some triggers so we can better help you.”

Wylan knows they mean well, but he can see Kaz quickly beginning to panic. Kaz has the same expression as when a plan goes wrong and he has to come up with a quick solution.

“Those are good ideas, but maybe not the best starting place.” Wylan cuts in saving Kaz. “What do you think would help?”

Kaz looks to Inej. She grins, “Game day?”

“It is the third Saturday of the month.” Kaz agrees.

Nina hops up and gathers the games. Weekly game day has been a tradition since the Ice Court, but recently they haven't found much time to get together so it was moved to the third Saturday of each month.

Nina chooses Monopoly, everyone's worst nightmare. They've never gotten through a whole game without a fight breaking out.

Matthias quickly claims the dog and sits back happily. Inej grabs the ship for herself and hands Kaz the money bag. Jesper grabs the car and drives it around making exaggerated noises until both Kaz and Inej glare at him. Nina claims the thimble while Wylan takes the shoe. 

They begin to settle around the board. To everyone's surprise, Kaz sits in the middle of the couch between Matthias and Jesper. He sits stiffly, clutching his cane tightly even as Inej gives him a reassuring nod. 

Nina and Inej curl up on the loveseat. Wylan is tempted to sit in the armchair since Kaz is in his normal spot, but chooses the floor instead. The armchair is Kaz’s. They all know Inej bought it specifically so he'd have a place of his own in her house like she has the window ledge in his office. 

The game begins. As usual, Nina throws money at everything, buying without rhyme or reason. Matthias hordes his money waiting to land on the really good places. Inej and Kaz already have fast growing empires while Jesper is in jail for the fifth time and unable to pay his way out. Wylan lands on every community chest and chance and has to beg the others to read the cards for him. They easily agree, but he still feels bad. 

Nina quickly approaches bankruptcy and Kaz buys her properties for ridiculously low prices. Through a set of side deals he steals Wylan’s money while claiming he's helping Wylan take out Inej. He is taking out Inej, but using Wylan’s resources. 

Despite Kaz dominating the game, it's going well. Kaz is more relaxed between Matthias and Jesper. He's let go of his cane and only his shoulders are tense. 

Nina gives Inej everything she has as a last ditch effort to try and take out Kaz. Wylan stares at his last property and last 100 dollars sadly. At least Jesper and Matthias remain semi-untouched.

Then Jesper lands on boardwalk, Matthias’s one property stacked with a hotel. Jesper explodes into a series of curses that Wylan would never repeat. Wylan laughs as Matthias starts demanding his money and Jes tries to work out a deal. 

He looks to Inej ready to share an eye roll, but her face is concerned. He glances back towards the fight and notices Kaz in the middle. He doesn't look panicked, but he's gone perfectly still. Jesper is waving his hands wildly and Matthias is leaning towards him threateningly. Kaz is completely tense again. 

Wylan opens his mouth to interrupt them, but stops when Kaz relaxes slightly. Slowly his shoulders untense and he releases his death grip on his cane. His eyes still dart nervously between Jesper and Matthias, but his lips quirk upwards. 

When the fight resolves, Jesper bankrupt and Matthias grinning evilly, Kaz calmly stands up and moves to his armchair. Jesper looks hurt. Matthias looks worried. Kaz just picks up the dice and rolls for his turn. 

The game is quickly won, by Kaz of course. Jesper demands a rematch, but Kaz says he needs to go back to the Slat and Inej wants to check in with her crew. 

Wylan is glad to be done as he has a lot of work of his own to do. He tells Jesper this as he helps pick up the board. Jesper sighs kissing his cheek, “Anything for you, darling.”

Wylan sees Kaz and Inej talking quietly in the doorway. Though his conscience tells him not to, he scoots over to eavesdrop. 

“I'll come back tonight?” Kaz phrases it like a question.

Inej nods, “I'll fix the pillow wall.”

Kaz smiles, a real smile, “Thanks. I'll be late though, so don't wait up.”

Inej rolls her eyes, “I'll be waiting.”

Kaz shakes his head and moves towards the exit.

“Kaz?” He turns back to her. “Today was good. This is going to work. It helped you?”

Kaz tilts his head, hearing her silent question, “Today was good. I didn't know game day could be so…” 

“Fun?” Inej suggests.

Kaz shakes his head with a small grin, “I was thinking along the lines of loud or obnoxious.”

Inej pushes him, or rather, she pushes the air near him. “Get out of here. And you better be home by midnight.”

Kaz makes a rude hand gesture that in Kaz speak is an I'll miss you and leaves. Inej grins until she sees Wylan. 

She sticks her tongue out at him playfully before striding away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The monopoly pieces are the ones that are in my game at home. However my friends have informed me that some games have different pieces... is this true? So if you are confused by the pieces that may be why :) :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a chapter for all you great people. I'm sorry it's short and rushed, but I'm sick so I just posted it as it was. I'll either die or get better soon, because I can't possibly become more sick. If I don't start feeling better in a day or two it will affect my updating schedule. I'm sorry, I don't like it anymore than you do.

That night Kaz slept with Inej again. He let himself in at five to midnight. 

Inej grinned at him, “Cutting it a bit close, aren't you?”

“I'm right on time.” He replied. 

Kaz carefully folded his jacket and set it next to the bed. Then he unbuttoned and rolled up his sleeves. His shoes followed his jacket, neatly set side by side.

Inej watched him stall. He rearranged his jacket, then decided to refold it. He propped his cane next to the bed, taking a few minutes to decide on the right spot. He plugged his phone in, wasting time by checking for messages though they can both see there are none.

She reaches over and pulls back the blankets for him. She doesn't force him to get in, just prompts him gently. For a second she thinks he'll leave, then he slowly lays down.

His movements are calculated as if he's forcing each step. He turns away from her, laying on his side. Inej watches and waits, but his muscles don't untense. 

“Are you alright, Kaz?” She asks softly. 

His shoulders rise and fall four times before he answers, “I'm fine.”

Inej stays up until he falls asleep. Even in sleep he looks uncomfortable, but he's trying. Inej falls asleep content with the small amount of progress they made today.  
______________________________________________________

She wakes up to screaming. It takes her a while to pinpoint the source. 

Kaz is shaking and pale beside her. His hands grip the sheets and the pillow wall has been destroyed by his thrashing. He's screaming. Inej realizes she's never heard him scream before. Now he's screaming at the top of his lungs. 

She needs to wake him up, but doing so is a slight problem. She knows he won't want to be touched, so she tries hitting him gently with a blanket and then a pillow. When neither works she tries yelling, but she doubts he can hear her over his own screams. 

Kaz shifts sharply. His screams start to die, dissolving into whimpers. Inej continues to talk to him soothingly, but it has no effect. 

“Sorry.” She whispers to him as she reaches out. She gently grabs his shoulder and shakes it. After a minute he startles awake, she quickly drops her hand. 

He's off the bed in a second. He presses into the corner of the room. He holds his cane firmly in one hand. For a second he just sits there, shaking and afraid, then he breaks down and sobs. 

Inej quickly crosses the room. She sits in front of him, giving him enough space to breathe and get around her if he needs to, but staying close.

“Kaz-" She starts, but is cut off by a loud knocking.   
Kaz curls up and sits shaking and crying. Inej glances towards the door. The knocking continues, growing more frantic.

She stalks out of the room and hurries to her front door.

“Yes?” She asks. It's not her most polite tone, but she isn't worried about that right now.

“Inej.” Her apartment neighbor, Dale, says relieved. “I heard yelling. Are you alright? Is someone hurting you?”

Inej grits her teeth. She likes Dale and his caring nature, but now is not the time for it.

“I'm fine.” She smiles as best she can. “I'm going back to see now. See you in the morning.”

She tries to close the door, but he stops her.

“Are you sure? I was very worried. Do you want me to come in for a while?” Dale asks kindly.

Inej stops herself from slamming her head into the wall, “No. Everything is fine. Thanks for checking on me.”

“Yeah no problem.” He continues to talk.

Inej thinks of Kaz sitting alone right now and summons her very best Dirtyhands impression. Though she waters it down a bit, because she likes Dale and she's not Kaz. 

“Dale, I told you I was fine. It's one in the morning and if you don't get out of my doorway you and my knives are going to get to know each other.”

Dale looks hurt. He nervously backs away. With one last glance at her, he heads back to his own apartment.   
Inej closes the door and locks it. Then she rushes back to her room. Her heart stops when she looks inside.

Kaz is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double sorry. I know ending on a cliffhanger after saying I may be too sick to write or update is cruel. Sorry again.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you are lovely people! I'm sorry the wait was longer than usual. 
> 
> This chapter is not a happy one... sorry. Kaz POV for most of it. Let me know what you think.
> 
> As always thanks for reading!

WraithofTheSea: Does anyone know where Kaz is? He stayed at my house, but left thirty minutes ago.

WannabeSniper: Haven't seen him. Is he ok?

WraithofTheSea: He was panicking. I'm not sure where he went. He's not at the Slat. 

SunshineAndRainbows: He didn't come here. Jesper and I will search for him around here and work towards your apartment.

LiteralGoddess: I was at a house call, but I just left. I can help. I'll do a sweep as well. 

WraithofTheSea: I'm near the Slat heading towards my place. Meet there in an hour. Text if you find him.

WraithofTheSea: Matthias?

LiteralGoddess: He's probably asleep. It's nearly 2am after all.

WraithofTheSea: Ok. Stay in contact with the group. Let us know what's happening.

WannabeSniper: Got it.

LiteralGoddess: Don't worry, Nej we’ll find him.  
______________________________________________________

Kaz had no idea why he was going to Matthias of all people. 

Well, that's a lie, he knew why. Matthias wouldn't ask too many questions, wouldn't fuss, and, most important of all, exuded a stoic calm. 

He's overwhelmed. Waking up from a dream about using Jordie’s body to get to shore next to someone was too much. 

Was it Inej or Jordie he held onto? His messed up head keeps switching his brother’s lifeless form with Inej. It was definitely Jordie, Inej is fine. 

Unless she's not. He should go back and make sure she's alive. What if he finds her dead? He can't go back. What if his nightmare was real? What would he do if Inej was dead?

What if she's alive? He'd have to explain. He can't tell her about Jordie, it's a weakness and if you want to survive the Barrel you can't have weaknesses. He can't tell anyone, but he needs to make sure she's alright, breathing, alive. 

He doesn't remember leaving Inej’s. He can't recall the faces of anyone he passed on the way here. Heck, he's not even sure if he knocked, though he probably did since Matthias is staring at him. 

He's probably supposed to say something now. What is he supposed to say? 

Matthias’s face tightens, but he swings the door open.

Kaz is pretty sure that means he can come in, right? Unless he's wrong. 

“Come in.” Matthias tells him. “Sit on the couch. I'll be right back, wait for me.”

Kaz can do that. He can follow orders. People normally think that Kaz just does his own thing, which he does, but he also worked his way up in the Dregs by taking orders. His brain eases at the clear, crisp instructions. 

He can walk, he just needs to move his cane and feet. He can sit, he just needs to bend at the waist and carefully prop up his knee and cane. 

He can wait. He waited years for revenge. He's spent hours planning jobs for the Dregs. He waits for Inej’s letters and for her return each time she leaves with her crew on her ship. He can wait. 

What is he waiting for? Should he be moving? Is he in danger? His heart certainly thinks so, pounding loudly in his ears. His nerves and hands think so, tingling and jumpy. His head feels fuzzy. He doesn't think he's in danger, but if he's not in danger, why does he feel so anxious?

“Water.” 

A glass pops into view. Kaz’s brain confirms that it is water. He stares at in not sure what it wants from him. It's water, his brain uselessly supplies.

“Drink.” 

He scrambles to hold on to the voice, to focus. Drink what? Water, his brain repeats. 

Water. Grab the glass. It's wet. He's drowning. 

He's going to die. The water is rising. He needs to grab on to something. There's a body, but he can't grab it. It's his brother. He can't grab it. He needs to grab it or he'll drown. But Jordie. 

His body shudders as he grabs on. He gags. It's slimy with water and puss from the plague. He can feel the flesh starting to puff up in the salty water. It doesn't look like Jordie anymore. 

He kicks and kicks. The smell of decay and the sea fills the air. He's so tired. He can't hold his head up. He retches as he presses his cheek into his brother's rotting flesh. 

By the time he pulls himself out of the harbor he feels sick at the thought of touch and he's willing to give anything, be anything to avenge his brother's death. 

Kaz pants, trying to pull in as much air as possible. He needs to calm down. Breathe, his brain says. He's trying. He can't catch his breath. His can't breathe. His lungs are full of water. He's drowning.

Not again, he pleads, trying to stop the second panic attack. He's drowning. He needs to grab something. 

Please, he sobs. Please, not again, please. 

There's a body floating in the water. He swims towards it. He freezes when he sees its hair, its long dark hair. It rolls in the waves and he sees its face. Inej. He backpedals frantically trying to escape her plague ridden corpse. 

He hits another body, Wylan. He swallows water. 

There's Nina and Jesper. Their eyes are empty. He turns reaching for something, anything. He grabs on. 

He feels warm, sticky liquid sliding over his fingers. He stares down in horror at Matthias. Unlike the other bodies pressing against him, Matthias is dying from a gunshot wound. Kaz let's go, watching as the water turns red. 

The water covers his head and his lungs burn. He could reach out, grab any of his dead friends, but he doesn't. He deserves this. It's a fitting end for a monster.

He chokes on the water. His vision grows spotty before eventually fading altogether. Then he pulls in a deep breath.

He gasps repeatedly as his lungs start filling with air. Breathe, his brain suggests. Kaz angrily thinks, where was that reminder when I was drowning? 

Breathe, his brain repeats frantically as his vision gets spotty. Kaz forces his lungs to expand again. There are no corpses. It wasn't real. 

“Breathe.” His brain and someone's voice say in unison. 

Kaz listens. He continues breathing and it gets easier. Someone told him that once, that it gets easier with each breath.

“Breathe.” 

It hits him then, the exhaustion that follows his panic attacks. 

Two panic attacks, really three if you count after you woke up, his brain mentions, and a nightmare. 

His breath hitches as the images float through his gaze again, but the fear is overthrown by his tiredness.

He just wants to lay here. He doesn't want to move. He doesn't want to be alone. He wants someone to stay with him, to lie and say everything is okay, to wake him up when the dream starts over again. 

“Rest.” I gentle voice says. “I'll be right here if you need me.”

Kaz wants to laugh, either at the perfect timing or at his inability to focus on anything around him. 

Maybe Inej’s saints are real. Maybe they answered his prayer. He wants to laugh at that thought as well, but he's simply too tired. 

“Are you an angel?” He asks, and if he's honest he's considering the possibility, after all he feels like he's dying. Though if he's dying, he expected something not angelic, something very very different. 

He forces out another sentence, just in case the voice is real, “Cause if you are I owe Inej even more apologies than I thought.”

He hears a dry huff of laughter, “No. I'm definitely not.”

Matthias, his brain connects, finally deciding to start working again. Matthias.

Kaz starts to register other things again. Pillow, his brain offers. He feels the soft material under his head.

He snaps back into the present. He's laying, curled on one side, on the couch at Matthias and Nina’s house. His head rests on a soft pillow next to Matthias’s leg. There's a heavy blanket over his shoulders. He can feel Matthias pressing a hand into the blanket. 

Some part of him thinks he should panic, but most of him is glad for the grounding touch. He can only feel the firm press and the thick blanket so it doesn't overwhelm him. He leans into. 

“Hey, Kaz.” Matthias says calmly.

“Hey, Matthias.” He croaks as nonchalantly as possible. 

Kaz feels the blanket shift as Matthias runs his hand down to Kaz’s elbow before returning to his shoulder with a soft squeeze.

Panic? His brain asks. Kaz knows that he'd normally do that, but he welcomes the soothing press. It reminds him of his father holding on to his shoulder to guide him through a crowd. It reminds him of sleeping curled up with Jordie. No, bad idea, not Jordie, his brain says.

Panic? His brain repeats.  
No. Let me sleep. I feel safe. Kaz tells his brain.

“Okay.” Kaz can hear the smile in Matthias’s voice. “Sleep as long as you want.”

Did he say that out loud? He's really too tired to care. Everything feels numb and blurry. He's emotionally drained and physically exhausted. 

He sinks deeper into the pillow and falls asleep.  
______________________________________________________

Matthias stays perfectly still for a while after Kaz falls asleep, afraid to wake him up. Kaz doesn't look peaceful when he sleeps, but he isn't panicked or stressed so Matthias figures he's sleeping well enough. 

He carefully reaches for his phone, keeping one hand pressed gently against Kaz’s shoulder. He opens up the group chat and blinks at the 231 new texts. They mostly consist of panicked Inej and Wylan, Nina being fake calm, and Jesper nervously making jokes. 

Matthias doesn't have time to read them all, but he skims them. It seems Kaz was staying at Inej’s house, but left after having a nightmare. They have been looking for him for the past two hours. 

Matthias feels bad for not checking earlier as he could've ended their panic a long time ago, but he wanted to make sure Kaz was completely relaxed before doing anything else.

GentleGiant: Kaz is at our place.

Matthias sends the text and stares at the screen. He's never been good at texting and this situation seems to big to cover over text.

GentleGiant: He's sleeping.

Matthias grimaces at the screen.

GentleGiant: I'll take care of him.

Matthias sets his phone down trying to think of what to say. He watches Kaz’s chest rise and fall. The calm rhythm and the late hour start to pull him into a light doze and eventually into a deep sleep.  
______________________________________________________

Inej and Nina lead the way as they rush towards Nina and Matthias’s house. Inej is sending off rapid fire texts.

“He's not responding!” She says angrily. 

Despite telling them that Kaz was safe, Matthias has been inactive in the group chat. They have all been spamming him with questions, but he's yet to respond, so like any normally group of concerned friends they are going to break into his house. 

To be fair though, it's also Nina’s house, so everything they're doing is legal. 

Wylan and Jesper hurry after them, trying to keep up. 

Jesper never knew Nina could run so fast, especially with the heels she's wearing. Why she's wearing eight inch heels at three in the morning, Jesper doesn't know. He does know that he loves her style.

“Hurry up. We're not out for a stroll.” She yells back at them. They don't have to be told twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering what Nina's house call was, I think Nina would make a great nurse/doctor. I mean Grisha powers, duh, but also she's great with people. So that's what she's working as and why she was out so late. Emergency-ish appointment.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was an unwritten question mark, but I saw the awesome comments and kudos and thought, heck, how important is sleep?!  
> Hope you like this!

Matthias isn't an eye roller but in the last five minutes he's rolled his eyes enough that they're sore. 

“Should I let them in?” Matthias asks.

“Doesn't Nina have a key?” Kaz replies, yawning as he leans back into the couch.

Matthias shrugs, “Yes, unless she lost it again.”

Kaz raises an eyebrow at that. 

Matthias laughs, “She’s lost them about nine times.”

“You've had this house for eight months.” Kaz says. 

Matthias nods, grinning as Kaz shakes his head in disbelief. 

“Remind me never to give her the keys to the Slat.” 

They pause listening. Though they can't make out the words, they can clearly hear Jesper yelling about something. 

“I'm going to let them in.” Matthias says, standing.

“I've got it.” Kaz says, grabbing his cane. 

Matthias frowns, but Kaz glares at him sharply, “I can open a door.”

So he lets Kaz go. They were waiting for their friends to come in, but something must've stopped them. 

Matthias would bet that Nina and Jesper are arguing judging by the loud voices. 

Matthias had woken almost immediately when he heard raised voices. He's a light sleeper after being trained as a Drüskelle. 

Kaz is normally a heavy sleeper, but he must've been restless tonight, something Matthias can understand based on the state he was in when he first arrived. Kaz had woken up shortly after and they'd sat waiting until they couldn't anymore.

“Are you coming in?” Kaz asks opening the door. 

Matthias can't quite make out the response, but a minute later four embarrassed looking guests stand in the doorway.

“Sorry if we woke you up, Kaz.” Nina says. She tosses her coat aside. Matthias frowns. Since they've started sharing a house he's become increasingly frustrated with how unorganized Nina is. She's quick to apologize and always says she's sorry with kisses, so Matthias doesn't make too much of a fuss.

Jesper follows suit, throwing his coat by the door and dropping his shoes as he enters. Wylan carefully sets his shoes by the door and folds his coat on top of them. 

Nina shimmies over and plants a kiss on his lips. It's followed by a whispered lecture, “You can't just text us that and suddenly stop responding.”

Matthias nods along, but doesn't hear a word of it as his attention is on Kaz and Inej. They are doing that thing again, the thing where they talk without words. They don't use hand gestures. They are just standing a foot apart staring into each other's eyes.

The first time they did it, Nina and Jesper started squealing thinking they were going to kiss, but that never happened. Matthias isn't really sure how they communicate as they barely move. Occasionally Kaz’s lips twitch, either into a slight smile or tighten a bit. Sometimes Inej narrows her eyes or cocks her head, but otherwise they just stand there. For minutes. One time they stood silent and unmoving like this for over an hour. 

Matthias can tell Kaz is losing whatever debate they're having. Kaz’s jaw clenches slightly. 

Inej wins and slides off her shoes before joining them. Kaz follows, his movements crisp and cold. 

“Nina?” Inej says, batting her eyes until Nina laughs. “Can we stay here tonight?”

Nina beams, “Of course! Sleepover!”

Matthias frowns as he goes to get sleeping bags and pillows, “Don't I get a say in this? It's my house too.”

“Oh, honey.” Nina says. She gives him a you-know-you'll-do-anything-I-want look. 

So he gets the sleeping bags and sets them up. 

Jesper happily takes one and starts trying to convince Wylan to join him. Inej starts making a nest of pillows and blankets and the floor while Nina blows up the air mattress.

“What?” She says when she sees him watching. “Just because it's a sleepover doesn't mean I'm going to be uncomfortable.”

Matthias doesn't need to be convinced to join her. He's glad for the comfort of the air mattress as sometimes his bullet wound acts up. Nina must be thinking the same thing, because she leans over and plants a kiss on top of the scar.

Jesper has finally convinced Wylan to join him. They manage to squeeze into the biggest of the sleeping bags, though Matthias isn't sure how. Wylan is bright pink with embarrassment and Jesper is grinning like a fool. Inej has curled up in her nest. 

They all stare at Kaz.

Kaz appears to be, for lack of a better word, sulking. He tosses a blanket and pillow on the floor near Inej. He lays down stiffly and glares at the ceiling. 

They all close their eyes and wait for Kaz to sleep. 

Matthias knows they all want to be filled in so he tries to stay awake. Though Kaz is exhausted and his eyes keep dropping shut, he stubbornly stays awake.

“Kaz?” Inej rolls towards him after a while. “Do you want some of my pillows?”

“I have a pillow.” 

“I know.” She pauses uncertainly at the venom in his voice. “I thought you might want another.”

Kaz remains silent. Matthias watches his anger grow. It starts slowly and increases until Kaz can't contain it anymore.

“Why should I sleep and let you talk about me?” He hisses at Inej. 

Wylan and Jesper quickly pretend to be asleep. Nina grips his arm tightly as they both pretend not to hear.

“I'm fine, Inej.” Kaz growls. “It was just a nightmare. I'm sure everyone here has had one, so stop freaking out over nothing.”

Inej watches him quietly.

“Matthias is going to exaggerate everything. He'll make it seem worse than it was.”

“Then tell me what happened.” Inej replies evenly. “Tell me, Kaz. I'd rather hear it from you.”

Kaz’s anger was more out of fear than hatred, so it quickly fades away, “I…”

Inej waits. Matthias can feel everyone dying to butt in. Inej is patient. She simply waits.

They're good for each other, Matthias thinks. Kaz taught Inej how to fight. Inej is teaching Kaz that not everything needs to be a fight.

“I was dreaming.” Kaz pauses to take a shaky breath. “It wasn't a good dream. I had to cool down and once I did I wanted to come back, but…”

Kaz shakes his head, “I went to Matthias. I said I'd let you help and I went to Matthias. Isn't that enough for you?”

Inej’s eyes soften, “I'm glad you did, but you could've sent me a text.”

“I didn't think of it.” Kaz frowns. “Did I- I'm sorry if I worried you.”

Inej sighs, “Do you want to sleep closer to me?”

Kaz’s eyes immediately darken with fear, “Nej.”

“Do you want to?” Inej repeats.

Kaz swallows, “I want to, but I can't.”

Inej tilts her head, challenging him, “Since when do you let things stand between you and what you want?”

Kaz shifts closer. His hands tremble, but he looks pleased when he settles in. They aren't close, the whole Wylan/Jesper blanket burrito could fit between them, but they're happy.

Kaz finally falls asleep and Inej immediately sits up.

“So?” She asks. 

Matthias finds himself in the middle of four intense gazes, “Kaz had another panic attack. He was upset and seemed completely out of it. I went to get him water. When he went to drink it, his hands were shaking and it spilled.”

Matthias pauses remembering how Kaz looked when the water spilled. He's looked like someone had stabbed him. Almost immediately his eyes grew glassy. His whole body shook like a leaf. Like the first time Matthias found him, Kaz was almost completely silent during it. 

He'd really started to worry when Kaz stopped breathing. Kaz would stop breathing for a minute before gasping for air for a few seconds and then holding his breath again. 

Matthias didn't bother thinking remembering Nina saying, “When it comes to helping someone often our heart knows what to do long before our head decides to do anything.”

He'd gently pulled Kaz into a laying position and made sure his back was pressed against the back of the couch in a way he hoped made Kaz feel safer. 

He'd gathered the thickest blanket he could find and covered Kaz with it. He was careful to lay Kaz’s head on the pillow in a way that kept his airways as open as possible to help him maximize his oxygen intake. Then he'd sat down to protect him should any demons that didn't live in Kaz’s mind show up.

Matthias had reminded Kaz to breathe though he was certain Kaz didn't actually hear him. His brain screamed never touch Kaz, but his heart ached thinking about how he'd want to be held if he was the one panicking. Since Kaz hadn't reacted when he was moving him, he had cautiously pressed his hand against into Kaz’s shoulder making sure the thick blanket remain an extra barrier in between. 

To his surprise, Kaz slowly calmed down, so Matthias stayed. Kaz leaned into the touch, so Matthias stayed. Kaz said he felt safe so Matthias stayed. 

Matthias realizes that everyone is staring at him, “Um, he panicked after the glass spilled, so I sat with him. He was tired after, but he was also… he was willing to accept my help. I think- I think he's going to be okay.”

“Eventually.” He adds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super excited for the next chapter, because it was the chapter that started this whole fiction. It's basically a collection of hurt/comfort/angst/love/fluff/fear/friendship chapters that I wrote and was like, I could write more about this, so I did.  
> However currently it is 50% finished awesomeness and 50% random, brainstorming nonsense. I'm currently having a bit of writers block, but hopefully it'll wear off quickly so I can share the next chapter with you.  
> God bless you if you actually read this too long super rambling note! :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is early, but I like it and you've all been so nice, so what the heck.  
> Please don't unplug fire alarms. They are important :)  
> Enjoy!

It was decided that Kaz should no longer spend the night alone. He would stay with Nina and Matthias on Tuesday and Saturday nights, Wylan and Jesper on Mondays and Thursdays, and Inej on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.

Kaz, naturally, protested. The others, naturally, ignored him. 

Though when he fought to stay at the Slat at least one night, Inej agreed that on Friday nights she would stay at the Slat with him. 

Kaz didn't need to supervise the Dregs as they already ran smoothly and no one was crazy enough to cross him, but Inej had watched Kaz meticulously build his empire and understood his need to make sure it wasn't about to crumble. 

So it was settled. Kaz didn't think it was, but they knew despite his protests he'd be back that night, scowling, but listening.  
______________________________________________________

The First Saturday 

As Nina expected, Kaz is late. It's what she would've done. If someone drags you into something you don't want to do, show up fashionably late or better yet not at all. 

The last option would've ended very badly for Kaz, so there he was at one in the morning darkening their doorway (literally with the scowl he was wearing). 

“Come in.” She opened the door before he could knock or pick the lock. 

Kaz looked surprised to see her up so late, though he hid it well. 

Nina ushered him into the living room which was still set up from their sleepover last night.

Nina practically screamed when Kaz choose to settle in the mess of blankets that was Inej’s nest. Jesper would definitely want to hear about this. 

Nina and Jesper had a bet that Inej and Kaz would be together before the end of the year. It was less of a bet against someone and more of a bet against the universe.

“You waited up.” Kaz says. He has a way of asking his questions so that they sound as if he's simply making a statement.

“Of course.” Nina rolled her eyes. “You knew I was going to. Why are you even surprised?”

Kaz shrugs, but Nina can read the answer on his face. He didn't think anyone cared enough to do that. Well that's complete stupidity on his part if he still can't see how much they care for him. 

“Get comfortable.” Nina says. “Do you need anything else?”

Kaz shakes his head, so Nina heads back to the bedroom. 

“Nina?” Kaz calls. 

“Yes?” Nina answers backtracking.

“Do you have an extra toothbrush?” 

Nina grabs an unused one and returns to the living room. 

Kaz has removed his coat and tie. His sleeves are rolled up though his gloves are still on. He's not half naked or anything, but with how impeccably dressed Kaz normally is, Nina feels embarrassed to walk in on him like this. 

It never occurred to her that Kaz, like anyone else, had to get ready in the morning. She'd always assumed he simply woke up perfectly dressed.

“Uh, toothbrush?” She says cursing Kaz for making her lose her confidence. 

He takes the toothbrush and adds as an afterthought, “Thanks, Nina.”

“Love you! Sleep well.” Nina blows him a kiss, trying to regain her normal charm. 

Kaz huffs and turns away, but as Nina reaches the end of the hall she hears him call back, “Goodnight, Nina.”

Nina leaves the bedroom door open so they can hear if Kaz needs them. By they, Nina means Matthias, because Nina knows she sleeps like the dead.

She curls up, putting her head on Matthias’s chest. He shifts, waking up and wrapping an arm around her.

“Did he show up?” Matthias mumbles.

“Yeah.” Nina reassures him. “He’s sleeping in Inej’s nest.”

When Matthias doesn't show the proper excitement, she pulls out her phone and texts Jesper. He doesn't reply that night (it's two in the morning after all) but the next day she receives a text with the proper amount of excitement.  
______________________________________________________

The First Monday

Wylan peeks into the room that is now Kaz’s. He doesn't see Kaz. 

He searches the house starting to worry Kaz left, until he finds him on the porch.

Kaz is staring ahead blankly. He looks small and withdrawn, a shell of himself.

“Kaz.” Wylan nods to him, sitting down beside him. 

They sit quietly watching as the sky slowly begins to lighten. 

As the first rays of the sun peek over the horizon, Jesper joins them. He hands Kaz a cup of coffee, Wylan a cup of tea, and sits beside them sipping his hot chocolate. 

Together they watch the sun come up.  
______________________________________________________

The First Friday

“Kaz.” Inej says firmly for the tenth time. “Stop. It's late.”

Kaz is working through the stack of paperwork on his desk like he has been for the last few hours. 

This was Inej’s fear when they had decided to let him stay at the Slat once a week. When Kaz is at the Slat he has plenty of excuses for why he can't sleep.

“Kaz Brekker.” 

No response. Inej sighs and gets up. She moves so she's standing beside him. Starting with the hand he's not writing with, she pulls off his coat. She walks around him and does the same with the other arm. Tossing it aside she starts on his tie. 

Kaz finally looks up. He quirks an eyebrow at her asking what she's doing. Inej smiles sweetly as she slips the tie over his head and kneels to pull of his shoes. 

With anyone else this would be romantic, but there is no heat between them just calculated moves made by skilled players. 

Kaz returns to his paperwork and Inej returns to his shoelaces. She carefully removes the shoe on his bad leg careful not to agitate his knee. Then she pulls of the other shoe carelessly. Kaz’s lips twitch upward, but he ignores her otherwise. 

Inej sits on the edge of his desk so she can reach the buttons on his shirt. Now they'll see how stubborn Kaz really is. 

Two buttons undone and Kaz hasn't reacted. As she starts on the third, he finally looks up. Their eyes lock. Inej grins fiercely. Maintaining eye contact she unbuttons the third. Kaz watches her.

She reaches for the fourth button. Her fingers fumble a bit as her heart rate picks up. This may be only a ploy to get Kaz to go to bed, but it's also a big show of trust and the closest they've been in a long time. 

She's on the fifth button. 

“Inej.” He breathes. 

She stops fingers pausing over his lower stomach. 

“Kaz?” She says innocently.

He swallows. For a second she thinks he'll tell her to continue, then his eyes darken fearfully. 

“I think I'll head to bed now.” 

“Yeah, me too.” She says, easily letting him go. 

Though that was her goal the whole time, a small seed of disappointment settles in her gut.  
______________________________________________________

The Second Tuesday

Matthias wakes up alone. This startles him as he's a light sleeper and should've heard Nina leave. He thinks back, remembering she got up to use the bathroom. He fell asleep and she must not have returned.

He stands up grabbing his pistol from the closet, just in case. He slides it into the elastic waist of his pajama pants, not really expecting to need it. Nina is probably just getting a midnight snack or watching reruns of some show. 

He glances into the living room on the way to the kitchen to check that Kaz is still asleep. He is. Matthias takes three more steps towards the kitchen before backing up.

Nina is on the other half of the air mattress. Kaz is wearing one of Nina’s sweatshirts, one of her bright pink sweatshirts. 

He’s small enough to fit in it, which surprises Matthias. Though he knew Kaz was slight, he always seems bigger and more foreboding. 

They are turned towards each other as if they fell asleep talking. 

Matthias knows Kaz will be embarrassed if he wakes up next to Nina. He's going to be embarrassed either way, but at least if he wakes up alone he'll feel slightly less awkward.

Matthias quietly walks into the room. He gently picks up Nina. She's a hard sleeper, but even she wakes up when being picked up. Her eyes flutter open softly like this is a movie.

Matthias is convinced she taught herself to wake up this way, but she insists it's just her natural charm. 

“Why?” She moans.

“Hush.” He whispers. “Kaz is sleeping.”

Matthias carries her back to their room and carefully sets her on the bed. He slides in next to her and gives her a look.

“He was sad.” Nina mumbles barely awake. Matthias nods, snuggling into her side to convey his love for her and her kind heart.

“I got him a sweatshirt, some warm milk, and tucked him back in.” She says with a soft grin. “Can we adopt him?”

Matthias chuckles, “I think we already have.”  
______________________________________________________

The Second Wednesday

Wylan wakes up to a crash somewhere downstairs.  
Jesper, he thinks immediately. No, Jesper’s home already peacefully sleeping beside him.

Kaz, is his next thought. No, Kaz is with Inej tonight.

Wylan sits up. He thinks about waking Jesper, but he's not the scared kid the used to be. He carefully steals one of Jesper’s guns and tiptoes down the stairs. He holds the gun tightly, expecting the worse. 

He rounds the corner and hears… giggling? 

He follows the noise to the kitchen. Inej is sitting cross legged on the counter, laughing harder than Wylan has ever heard her laugh. 

Kaz is gloveless with his sleeves rolled up and is up to his elbows in dough. He appears to be trying to knead it, but it looks more like he's mugging it.

There's flour all over the counter as well as in Kaz’s hair. Inej despite sitting on said flour covered counter is perfectly clean. Kaz, on the other hand, has dough on his face, arms, shirt, and pants. 

“Now shape it!” Inej says through her laughter. “Gently Kaz. Here look at mine.”

Inej slides over a round ball of dough that she’d been working on. It's smooth and has a neat braid curling around the edge. Kaz scowls at it.

“I am shaping it.” He protests. “It's just too sticky.”

He adds more flour.

Inej cries with laughter as he gets even more in his hair.

“No, Kaz! No more flour. It'll be too dry.”

“It's done.” Kaz declares. Inej tilts her head uncertainly, but Kaz has had enough. “It's done. What now?”

“Now we put them in the oven.” She takes the dough from him and places them both on a tray. She pops them into the oven and turns back to Kaz.

“Here, I got it.” She says, wetting a rag to help him clean up. 

Kaz let's Inej clean off his face and arms with the rag while he tries to get the floor from his hair.

“What are you doing?” Wylan asks, entering the room.

They both turn and start laughing. Inej’s laugh is easy and warm. Kaz’s laugh is rough and unpracticed. 

“We’re making my mother's spice bread.” Inej says. 

“Inej is making her mother's bread. I'm making a brick.” Kaz says smiling at him.

“My kitchen wasn't big enough, so we came here. Don't worry we'll clean up.” Inej tells him.

“I'm not worried about the counter that's easy to wipe off, but Kaz's hair may never be the same.” 

Kaz laughs again. 

Inej smiles and beckons him in, “Come in. You can be the taste tester.”

Inej and Kaz clean up his kitchen while the bread cooks. Soon the kitchen smells good and Inej is pulling it out of the oven. 

Inej cuts a slice of both loaves which she sets in front of him, “Do you want me to tell you who made which one or can you tell?”

Kaz shakes his head and glares with no real anger. He's pulling on his gloves.

“I think I can figure it out.” Wylan assures her. 

He takes a bite of Inej’s bread. It's heaven. He tilts his head and closes his eyes to fully experience the flavor. 

“Oh my gosh, Inej.” 

She smiles happily and cuts pieces for herself and Kaz. She smiles wistfully as she eats it. Even Kaz mutters a soft “mmmm” as he eats it.

“Try mine.” Kaz says when they've all fully enjoyed it. 

Wylan looks at the lumpy loaf then at Kaz’s hopeful face. He carefully takes a tiny bite. Thank goodness he took a small bite. He forces himself to swallow.

“I didn't know you could fail at something.” He says.

“I didn't fail. I made bread!” Kaz says half angrily, half laughing. He grabs the piece and takes a large bite. 

Kaz may have a good poker face, but even he can't hide his disgust. He coughs.

“It's so dry.” He gasps going to get a glass of water.  
Inej laughs, “I told you not to add so much flour.”  
______________________________________________________

The Second Saturday

“Matthias?” 

Matthias wakes up abruptly, “Kaz? What's wrong?”

“I had that dream again.” 

Matthias rolls over so he's facing the door and Kaz, 

“You're safe now. Do you know where you are?”

Kaz has the distant look he always has after a bad nightmare or before a panic attack.

“I don't think so.”

“That's fine. You're at my house. You're safe.” Matthias assures him. “Do you want to sleep in here?”

Kaz nods numbly. Matthias pulls back the blankets and slides over letting Kaz sleep where the blankets are already warm. 

Kaz is often cold after, because he dreams of being in the freezing water. That's as much about his nightmares as Matthias has got out of him.

“Warm enough?”

“I think so.” Kaz says dazed. “Where's Nina?”

“She's gone on a house call.” Matthias tells him. “She'll be back soon. She's checking on a kid who has chickenpox. The kid’s fine, but his mom is super stressed and keeps calling Nina at all hours of the day.”

“Oh.” 

Matthias can feel Kaz shaking. He piles the blankets on Kaz and slides as close as he dares.

“Have I told you the tale of Nina, the spoon, and the decapitated doll?” He asks.

Kaz’s eyes brighten slightly at the ridiculous name, “No.”

So Matthias tells Kaz the story. The tale isn't that thrilling, but Matthias exaggerates it. 

Basically Jesper and Nina were two days into their Endless Prank War as Jesper coined it and Jesper was losing. Jesper bought a terrifying doll and snuck into their house one night. Nina had got home late and was making tea in the kitchen. Jesper placed the doll on the counter and started to flicker the nights. 

Nina screamed seeing the doll. Jesper turned off the lights and turned on his spooky soundtrack. When he turned the lights back on, he found Nina holding a spoon in one hand and the doll’s head in the other. She had attacked it with enough force to break through the dolls neck. 

Naturally the night ended with Matthias nearly decapitating Jesper as well, thinking he was and intruder. 

The story helps Kaz fall back asleep and passes the time for Matthias. When he finishes, Nina is home. 

“I got him back though.” She says smiling evilly as she remembers Jesper screaming when he found a spider in his pasta. Fake spider that is. 

Matthias smiles back, reaching for her. She settles beside him. It's a tight fit, since Kaz needs a lot of room to be comfortable, but they make it work.  
______________________________________________________

The Third Monday

“No, no, no!” Jesper screams, trying to put out the flames. “Don't tell Wylan!”

Kaz is on a chair trying to figure out how to unplug the fire alarm without making it beep, “This thing is ridiculous. Why can't I just unplug it?”

“I'm pretty sure they don't want people unplugging those.” Jesper says splashing water on the burning somethings he took from the oven.

“Stop the smoke!” Kaz growls.

“Hurry up!” Jesper screams as he frantically bats at the flames with a wet towel. 

Kaz grabs his cane and swings it at the fire alarm. They both watch as it shatters. 

Jesper feels a thrill run through him. He can't resist an adrenaline rush, even if said adrenaline only comes from trying not to wake Wylan.

“Have you ever actually cooked before?” Jesper asks staring at the hard, blackened spheres that they'd hope would become cookies.

“I made bread with Inej.” Kaz says defensively. 

“Then why didn't we make that?” Jesper asks.

“You wanted cookies.”

Yeah, he remembers that. Maybe he should've listened to Kaz at least then they'd have bread to eat instead of nothing.

“Please tell me this isn't what it looks like.” 

Jesper looks up the see Wylan’s worried face. He has nothing to say because it's exactly what it looks like.

“Yeah, we almost set the house on fire.”  
______________________________________________________

The Third Wednesday

“Breathe.” Inej says soothingly.

“Obviously.” Kaz chokes out. Inej doesn't take any offense knowing that Kaz lashes out when he's scared.

“Now the one farthest to the right.” She tells him.

“Hold on.”

She's sitting in front of him while he holds her hair and tries to braid it. So far he's only crossed the first strand, but Inej isn't worried, they have all night to finish.

“Okay. Which strand?” Kaz takes a deep breath.

“The right one.” 

She feels him gently cross it over. “Now the one on the left. You just continue back and forth until you get near the end.”

“Slow down.” Kaz says. She can feel him tense behind her. 

“You can take as long as you need.” She says calmly. “You know how to do it now.”

They fall into a rhythm: cross a strand, wait, breathe, cross another, wait, breathe. Slowly Kaz begins to move faster. There's less of a pause until Kaz only stops for a breath in between.

“Done.” He says finally.

“Great. Ponytail?” She asks and hands him the band.  
He carefully loops it around the end of her hair. She turns around so they are facing each other.

“What do you think?” She asks.

“It's pretty ugly, but you're still beautiful.” Kaz replies.

Inej blushes and reaches for the mirror to hide her red cheeks. Kaz is a liar, the braid is nearly perfect.  
______________________________________________________

The Third Thursday

Inej is at Wylan’s to gather gunpowder. Wylan created a more efficient mix for her cannons, not that Inej is leaving anytime soon with Kaz still trying to overcome his trauma, but she wants to be prepared. She hadn't expected to walk into a concert. 

Kaz and Wylan sit at the piano bench playing together. Kaz plays a simple tune while Wylan seems to be making it up as he goes. The music weaves together effortlessly, it's beautiful. 

“You learn quickly.” Wylan says when the song ends. 

“You've been teaching me for weeks.” Kaz says. 

Wylan shakes his head, “A week.”

Kaz huffs, “Whatever. Play another?”

“Don't you have to get back?”

“I have a little more time.” Kaz answers.

Wylan nods, placing his fingers back on the keys, “And you'll be back when it gets dark.”

“Yes.” Kaz groans. “For the last time, yes I'll be back for the night.”

They start again. Inej backs away quietly. She doesn't want to interrupt them. She can come back later.  
______________________________________________________

The Fourth Saturday

Nina finds Kaz hunched over the toilet throwing up. 

“Are you alright?” She asks worried. “Are you sick?”

He shakes his head, before lowering it into his hands. He stays close to the toilet in case he starts feeling sick again.

“I woke up in the middle of a panic attack.” His voice is hoarse. 

“It made you feel sick?” She sits by the door. She would come closer, but Kaz is already flinching away from her and she's still five feet away. 

“Yes. I can-" He cuts off. He gags for a few seconds before continuing. “I can still feel his skin against mine.”

Nina isn't sure what he's talking about, but she can see it's hurting him. 

“My stomachs empty. There's nothing left to throw up, but-" Kaz has to stop again. “But I still feel nauseous.” 

“Don't worry I'm a doctor.” She tells him. 

She grabs a bottle of Gatorade from the fridge and returns. 

“Here. Take small sips.” She tells him. “It'll help settle your stomach and prevent dehydration.”

He accepts it and switches between sipping from the bottle and gagging over the toilet. Slowly he starts drinking more and gagging less. 

“I feel a bit better.” He tells her. “Can you get my cane?”

She quickly grabs it for him. He must've run to the bathroom without it. 

Once he has the cane, he carefully stands up. He pauses, waiting to see if the nausea will return. When it doesn't, he limps back to the living room. 

Nina scrubs the toilet clean as Kaz finishes the Gatorade and brushes his teeth. 

Nina then moves on to the counter in the bathroom and then the one in the kitchen. She has the supplies out after all.

“Matthias will be thrilled.” She tells Kaz. “He's always telling me to clean up.” 

Kaz watches her for a while, before coming over, “Can I help?” 

“Yes!” She beams. “Want to wash off the stove?”

Kaz shifts anxiously, “Maybe something without water?”

“Sure.” She looks around. “Dusting?”

Kaz dusts while Nina scrubs. They are a good team and have cleaned up most of the house by the time Matthias wakes up.

“Tada!” Nina says proudly when he does. 

Matthias looks around. He breaks into a rare grin, “You cleaned this for me?”

“Kaz helped.”

Kaz quickly protests, “I didn't do it for you.”

Nina laughs as Matthias pulls her into a hug. Kaz is already heading for the door since his mandatory stay is over. 

“Kaz, breakfast.” Matthias says, grabbing a muffin for him. 

Kaz stares at it looking sick again, “No thanks.”

Matthias is about to force it on him, but Nina stops him. 

“I'll explain later.” She whispers as Kaz closes the door.  
______________________________________________________

The Fourth Wednesday

Kaz is relaxed tonight. He feels good. He's at ease. By the way Inej is smiling, he knows she can tell. 

They watch some barely interesting movie and talk through the whole thing. Inej makes dinner. He's glad he came early not just because the food is amazing, but also because he gets to spend more time with Inej.

The decide to go to bed early. Kaz had barely slept the night before, he was thinking too much nothing to worry about, so he was tired now. 

Inej went to lock the front door. Kaz waits for her and they walk to the bedroom together. To his surprise, she locks that door too.

“Do you feel trapped?” She sounds worried.

“No.” Kaz furrows his eyebrows. Normally he can follow Inej’s thought process but today she's completely lost him. “The door unlocks from in here and even if it didn't the lock wouldn't be much of a challenge.”

“Good.” Inej says. “Do you feel safe?”

He considers the question, but for the first time in a long time the answer is clear, “Yes.”

Inej smiles again, “Good.”

She comes and sits next to him on the bed, “You've been getting a lot better.”

Kaz agrees. He's been sleeping more. On nights he can't sleep he hasn't been lonely. The panic attacks are still bad, but they fade much quicker. The nightmares… well, those haven't improved, but he has people to go to after and that makes a huge difference. He feels happier than before.

“I've been feeling better.” He agrees. 

“I think it's time to add in contact. Nothing skin to skin yet, just sitting so we're touching or braiding my hair again.” Inej says. “As long as you think you're ready.”

Kaz can feel the familiar panic returning. Everything has been so much better lately, he doesn't want to mess it up. He's fine with how things are now.

That's a lie, he wants more. He wants to kiss Inej without fear. He wants to be able to sit next to his friends on game nights without worrying about them touching him. He wants more. He wants Inej to have more. She deserves more.

“How do we start?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the nice comments. This is the first piece of writing I've ever shared, but you're all so nice I've forgotten to worry that it sucks.  
> Can I interest you in some fluffy Kanej?

Inej watches Kaz settle with his back to her. He is nervous, but he doesn't seem afraid. Whatever bad memories he has, they've yet to take hold of him.

“Comfortable?” She asks. He nods tightly. She can see his shoulders tensing up.

“I'm going to start at your shoulders.” She says, careful not to startle him.

Inej presses her palms gently into each of his shoulder blades. She waits to see Kaz’s reaction. His breath hitches, but otherwise he seems alright. She starts to move her hands slowly down his back, narrating everything, so Kaz isn't surprised. 

She reaches his lower back and removes her hands, “Do you want me to continue?”

After a long moment, Kaz nods slightly. 

She repeats the gesture, feeling his shirt wrinkle under her fingers. She repeats it a third and then a fourth time. She slides her hands down his back until she feels him relax into it.

“That's… nice.” He comments quietly. 

Inej smiles, “Good. I'm going to start pressing harder.”

She digs her fingers into his shoulders. Kaz instantly tenses up again.

“The point of this is to ease sore muscles, so try to relax.” 

The back massage was her idea. Kaz spends too much time hunched over his desk, so she's sure his muscles ache. 

She'd let him choose who went first. Since Kaz has no experience with this sort of thing he chose to go first and learn what to do. 

“You want to find the knots and focus there.” She explains. 

She slowly works the knots out of his back. She's worried it's too much for Kaz since he's quiet and his breathing is fast. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop.” 

“Don't stop. I just need to get used to it.”

So she continues. Kaz starts to relax. He even leans into her touch a little. She decides to push him a bit more. Why not? He's willing to try. 

“Normally you would lay on your stomach so I could press more.”

Kaz is silent. She wishes she could see his face. Finally he turns. His face is paler than usual, but his eyes are clear.

“You'll have to move over then.” 

She slides over letting him sprawl on the bed. It shows her how much he trusts her that he's willing to put his back to her and be in such a vulnerable position. 

She takes a deep breath and swings a leg over his back so she's straddling him. 

“Inej!” Kaz gasps.

She's not touching him, just hovering over him. Still they are close and Inej can understand his worry.

“Shh.” She mummers, running a soothing hand down his back. “It's to help me reach. The moment you ask me to stop I will.”

Kaz takes a deep breath. He stacks his arms together and buries his head in them.  
Inej hears his muffled, “Continue.”

She works her way up his back paying attention to the muscles that are tense or knotted. Kaz hums contently and she can feel it's vibration in her hands. 

She continues to gently stroke his back even after the tension is completely gone. She savors the moment. Memorizes Kaz’s relaxed form and steady breathing. She leans down so she's near his ear. 

“Can I touch your hair?” She whispers. 

Kaz startles clearly he was almost asleep. Her heart leaps as he turns his head and their faces are only inches away. Kaz’s face is open and calm. 

They stare at each other. Inej is lost in his deep brown eyes. She wants to lean forward and press their foreheads, lips, bodies together, but she isn't sure he'll welcome the contact.

“Yes.”

She leans in slightly, then suddenly remembers her question. Her cheeks heat as she pulls back an inch. He was answering her question, not reading her mind.

Kaz smirks as if he had heard her thoughts. She blows into his face. It's her turn to grin as he sputters and pulls away. 

Inej sits up again. Cautiously she fingers a strand of his hair. When Kaz remains calm, she runs her hand through it. 

It's soft and thick. She likes the way her golden skin looks against his dark locks. She shakes her head brushing the thought away. She's not some lovesick girl. She's Inej, the Captain of the Wraith.

She massages his head lightly. Kaz leans into the touch. She smiles as he purrs without realizing it. She can feel him relaxing. His breathing gets deeper as he approaches sleep. He promised her a back massage after, but it'll have to wait for another day. 

She lays down beside him. He turns so they are face to face. His eyes are dark, but not with the fear she's used to seeing.

He slowly and deliberately leans over to place a kiss on her forehead. Her skin tingles as his lips touch her head. 

She holds his gaze as she reaches for his hand. She teases the glove off and sets it aside. Kaz stops breathing as she gently pulls it towards her and kisses the center of his palm. She returns the glove to his hand.

“I love you.” She says quietly. The words take her breath away. She never expected to give her heart away so easily. She certainly didn't expect that of all people a ruthless Barrel boss would win it. 

Yet from the moment he saved her from the Menagerie she knew they had a bond. She wasn't in love with him then, her heart wasn't ready for that yet, but she knew he was important. 

He was the one who saved her, the one who taught her how to fight. He had pushed her and tested her limits and from that she became the strong person she now is. He had set her free, gave her the tools to fulfill her dream, and reunited her family. He was slowly stripping away his armor and giving her pieces of himself. It was only fitting that after everything he gave her, she would give him her heart. 

“I love you.” She whispered again. Though she already knew this and she knows he knew this, something shifts between them when she says the words out loud. 

He doesn't say it back. He doesn't need to, his actions already have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a peace offering so you don't get upset when I don't update for a few days. The next chapter will be posted Saturday or Sunday. I'm sorry :( but I'm spending time with my grandparents and won't have time to write.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the nice comments and for leaving kudos!! Another happy chapter! Hope you all like it :)

Something is different. 

Jesper can't quite figure out what it is. Maybe it's just the weather making everyone act weird. It's bright, sunny, and almost warm three things that are rarely associated with Ketterdam when talking about weather or people. 

Something's up. He can feel it. Despite popular belief, Jesper can be very observant (only when he wants to be, of course). 

The gang (Not the Dregs, that would get crowded and wild fast. Kaz would never allow it either. He can hear Kaz saying, “Parties don't make me money, Jesper.” Anyways, not the Dregs, just the six of them) is having breakfast at Wylan’s place (and his place? He stays here every night, but Wylan’s never directly said they are officially living together…Hey! Sometimes he wants to be reassured of his importance, okay?)

Breakfast is the usual, which is to say waffles buried in sweet toppings (unless you're Inej, in which case you have waffles with a sprinkle of sweet toppings. Or Matthias, waffles with just plain syrup. Seriously have some fun with it! Or Kaz, waffles with blackberries and whipped cream. How does he eat them without syrup? So really only half the group are eating waffles buried in layers upon layers of sugar).

Kaz is sitting next to Matthias in the quiet corner (Nina named it). Next to Matthias are Nina and then Inej: the beautiful corner (again, Nina named it). Jesper is sitting next to Inej with Wylan between him and Kaz: the nameless corner. (Nina had tried to name it, but was stopped by Inej telling her to be nice, because Wylan is over there. Clearly Nina had nothing nice to say, because she didn't say anything at all.)

Even the banter seems normal. Nina makes up names for their spots. Kaz argues that it isn't a corner. Jesper starts an amazing story, but is interrupted every step of the way. Wylan starts a boring story about business, but everyone listens, because Wylan. (Honestly, he's not even mad. Who wouldn't want to listen to that sweet voice?) 

Still something is different. It takes him forever to realize, because it's the last possible place he'd ever look for change. 

He glances at Nina, thinking maybe she got her hair cut or styled differently. Nope. No new clothes. Wylan is the same as always (he would've noticed a change immediately). Matthias is even quieter than usual, but that's not it. Kaz is his same brooding, faking disinterest self. Inej is as polite, but teasing as always. 

Then he realizes what it is. Kaz and Inej. 

There's an ease between them, a connection. A pull towards the other. There's always been a hidden bond between the two, but now it's visible. 

Once Jesper starts paying attention, he sees signs everywhere. 

Jesper and Nina team up against Inej teasing her with over the top flattery while she grins and tries to hold them off with her own witty remarks. She starts to blush and the back of her neck flushes red. 

Jesper notices Kaz’s eyes go to her neck. He doesn't react a lot, just the slightest tilt of his head. Jesper imagines he's making a mental note. Then he returns to his waffles.

Inej passes him the blackberries before he asks for them and Kaz accepts them as if he had asked. 

They make eye contact and have a silent conversation that leaves Kaz smiling. Smiling of all things!

Kaz listens, eats, and talks, but his eyes always come back to Inej. 

Inej subconsciously turns so she's facing him. Her eyes find Kaz’s almost as often he looks at her. 

Jesper gets the feeling they have a completely different conversation going. A silent conversation that leaves them smiling softly at each other. 

Jesper tries to catch Nina’s gaze to cue her in. 

Unfortunately Nina is oblivious to his attempts. So he is left without anyone to confirm he's not hallucinating. Kaz actually smiled, right?

They finish eating and start to clean up. Matthias washes the dishes while Kaz dries them and Wylan puts them away. Nina and Inej have disappeared. Jesper hurries upstairs to find them.

It's not hard to locate them, because Nina is squealing. Jesper swings into the room to find Nina bouncing on the bed and Inej with her pink cheeks buried in her hands. 

“No!” Nina cries when she sees him in the doorway. “Inej, why did you do that?” 

Inej immediately goes from embarrassed, but happy to defensive, “You're supposed to be happy.”

“I am. You should've waited though.” Nina pouts.

Inej looks worried, “Do you really think so? I thought… I thought he was ready, we were ready. I've already waited this long.” 

Nina sighs, “I just wish you could've waited another week, because now I owe Jesper money.”

Inej throws a pillow at Nina. She looks relieved though she's blushing again, “You placed bets!”

“I won!” Jesper screams. He was sure he was going to lose. It had been weeks and though Kaz was improving no real romantic progress was being made. Suddenly it hits him what this means. 

“You kissed!??!!!”

Inej’s face is bright red, “No!"

She suddenly becomes shy, “I told him I loved him.”

She mumbles the last bit so he can barely hear it.

“Then I hardly won.” Jesper says to Nina.

“We bet on when they would officially express their love and be together.” Nina counters. “That is pretty official.”

Jesper shrugs, “I've said that to plenty of people when I didn't mean it.”

“Inej and I are more careful with our words.” Nina says. Jesper gives her an Oh, really? look.

“I want to win and all but I've got to disagree.” 

“Come on! This isn't some normal couple, this is Kaz and Inej. If they sat on the same couch it would convert to at least seventeen kisses in normal people terms!” Nina yells.

“I see your point, but they're just words Nina.” Jesper argues. Seriously why is he arguing? He wants to win the bet. 

“I meant it.” Inej says quietly. 

Well, that settles it, he won. 

Two sharp taps draw him out of his thoughts. He turns to find Kaz in the doorway. It's clear he's been there for a minute and finally decided to get their attention.

Kaz is wearing a carefully constructed mask of emotionlessness. The lack of expression someone wears when they are actually really effected and don't want anyone to know. 

Kaz meets Inej’s gaze and they share a silent conversation. It ends with Kaz nodding a goodbye to the room and leaving.

“I'll be late tonight, Jesper.” Kaz calls as he leaves. “Tell Wylan not to wait up.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are great. I mean, I knew you were awesome, because you like Six of Crows, but you've all been so nice with your comments. I hope this chapter makes you smile.

Kaz is at Inej’s house. He's sleeping at Wylan’s tonight, but he left work early to see her. 

She wasn't surprised to see him since he told her he'd be coming. He heard what she said to Nina and Jesper. She said meant it. He thought his tired mind had imagined it or exaggerated it, but it hadn't. She loves him.

He's not ready to say those words back to her yet. Years of pushing everyone away and seeing love as a weakness prevent him from saying it back. Still he knows he loves her even if he can't say it, so he's going to show her.

Tonight he shows her by leaving early and coming to see her. By listening to her talk about her day. By sitting next to her on the couch. By telling her about his day. 

They are watching a baking show where amateur baker’s compete against each other. Kaz doesn't really see the point in it, mostly because he doesn't understand how to bake, but Inej seems to enjoy it. 

“Oh, no! Please tell me he didn't just do that.” She says as one of the bakers adds a tablespoon of baking soda instead of a teaspoon. She presses her forehead against his shoulder. “I can't watch.”

Kaz flinches. He curses himself because he doesn't actually mind. There are layers of clothing between their skin and Inej is warm. He can feel her body heat warming up his shoulder. It spreads from there making him feel pleasantly warm and slightly tingly. He worries she'll pull away, because he flinched, but she doesn't.

“Will it taste bad?” Kaz asks.

“Yes!” She pulls back now to look at him. “He just added a tablespoon of baking soda, Kaz. It'll taste horrible!” 

He shrugs. How was he supposed to know that? Didn't she see his bread making skills?

He can feel her gaze on him. He ignores it for a minute, remaining focused on the screen, but it doesn't go away. He turns to look at her.

Her eyes search his face: How are you feeling?

He tilts his head slightly: I'm not sure.  
He takes a deep breath: Okay, I guess. 

Her eyes sparkle: Good.

She tilts her chin up slightly and meets his gaze: Up for a challenge?

His lips twist: Aren't I always?

She turns around so her back is to him. She peeks over her shoulder at him: Go on then.

“My turn.” She says out loud.

The room starts to get fuzzy as he withdraws into his head. His heart beats in his ears. He's not sure if he can do it, but then he meets Inej’s eyes. 

He reaches out and gently moves her braid aside: Okay.

She fully turns around. He brushes his fingertips against her back. His touch is so light he barely processes the fabric of her shirt. Breathe in, breathe out. 

His fingers hover there. He's not sure what to do next. He's not sure if he can move. He waited to long. Inej turns her head to look at him.

Breathe in, breathe out. “I'm not sure what to do.”

“You can press harder.” She tells him. A soft smile lights up her face. “You should press harder if you plan on loosening my muscles.”

She turns back around. Kaz carefully presses into her back. Her skin gives a little, but he can feel her strong muscles beneath hold firm under his touch. 

He's still not sure what to do. He starts to pull away.

Inej rolls her left shoulder. He pauses. When he moves his hands there she nods. He lets out a small sigh, relieved to have some direction. 

He pushes into her shoulder blade, sliding his hands along until he feels a knot. He presses his thumb into the knot and rolls it. 

Inej sighs arching towards him. Her head tilts to one side so he can see that her eyes are closed.

His heart skips a beat in the most uncomfortably pleasant way. His stomach is a mix of nerves and awe. He's never been more alert, every part of his being is focused on Inej. A whole gang could walk in and he still wouldn't be able to turn away from her. 

He kneads the knotted muscle again. To his delight, she sighs again. 

He watches her as he massages her shoulder. He memorizes the way her head rolls back when he finds another tight spot, the way her eyelashes flutter, the way she sighs softly as her muscles go from tensed to putty under his hands. 

He finishes with her left shoulder. She rolls her right shoulder, waiting.

“Something you want?” He teases her, feeling bold.

“Kaz.” She may be going for stern, but she fails.

“Hmm?” He asks teasing his thumb over her shoulder before pulling away. 

“Kaz Brekker.” She grits out as she arches trying to follow his hand. 

He's sure she's acting, surely a back massage doesn't affect her so much. Then again hearing her sigh has him breathless. 

She glances back at him. Her eyes are dark and her face is flushed. 

He has the urge to laugh. They are both so touch starved that this innocent contact is something charged and heated. 

“Kaz.” Inej leans back towards him. If he didn't know better, Kaz would think she was begging.

Teasing her is almost as enjoyable as hearing her sigh. Almost, but not quite. 

He presses his hands into her right shoulder. She sighs and he can feel a shiver run through her. She's beautiful.

Since Kaz dragged himself out of the harbor every move has been calculated. Every move has been for the purpose of survival or revenge. For the first time since that harbor, Kaz makes a move without thinking, a reckless move, just because he wants to. 

He takes off his gloves. 

The world is spinning. He can't catch his breath. He's breathless and dizzy and everything he's ever wanted is sitting in front of him if he can just reach out and touch her. He's not sure if he loves the feeling or hates it.

She's watching him with wide eyes, but, as always, she understands him. She understands his silent plea to let him try, so she sits quietly watching and waiting. 

He reaches out and touches her. Heat courses down his spine making him shiver. He's still lightheaded, but now he has something to ground him, Inej. 

They are only separated by a single layer of fabric, Inej’s shirt. He can feel her body heat warming his palms. 

He works the knots from her back. His heart skips with every sigh she makes. The air feels charged. 

When he finishes, he decides to give in to another desire, since it went so well the first time. 

He leans in and rests his forehead between her shoulder blades. 

This time she's the one who startles. Then she relaxes into him.

He feels warm, safe, and loved. He suddenly understands why his friends hug, why they sit close to each other, and lean against one another. It's comforting. It makes them feel safe. 

“You're warm.” He mumbles. 

Inej laughs. A distant part of his mind feels embarrassed by his statement, but he's too content to act on it. He likes the way her laugh rumbles through her. 

She reaches back. Her open palms face him. She wiggles her fingers. 

“Give me your hands.” Her voice vibrates through her back into his forehead. 

He takes a steadying breath and places his wrists in her palms. He's careful to make sure his shirt covers his wrists so their skin doesn't touch. 

She guides his arms around her. She sets his hands gently against her stomach, so he's hugging her from behind. 

His forehead and his arms press into her as he shifts his body weight to lean against her. She learns back into him. They balance each other perfectly. 

He vows never to move again. He's twisted so his back aches a bit and her shoulder blade is digging into his head, but he's never been more comfortable.

He must've tempted fate, because as soon as he thinks this he feels a shard of panic go through him.

No, no, no, no, not now. He chants. Everything is fine.

He tries to focus on the heat radiating off Inej, but all he feels now is her skin starting to bloat and the waves bobbing them up and down.

“Kaz.” Inej unlocks his arms which had started clinging to her without him realizing. “Here hold this. Focus on it.”

She pulls away and hands him something hard and cool. 

“Tell me about it.” Inej says. “What does it feel like?”

“It's hard.” He chokes out.

“Okay, what else?”

Kaz tries to focus on it. He rolls it in his hand. It's hard. He already said that. What else?

It's cold against his palm. 

“It's cold.” He adds. “It's cold and it's… it's… it's smooth.”

“How big is it?” Inej asks him.

“About,” He runs his hand over the edges of it. “A little bigger than a quarter.”

“What does it look like?”

He cracks opens his eyes, but all he sees are waves and bodies. He slams them shut.

“Tell me something else about it.” Inej says. 

He runs it through his fingers. It's the perfect size for a magic trick. He closes his hand around it and makes it disappear. He open his palm to show Inej that it's empty.

“It can disappear.”

Her laugh pulls him back. He opens his eyes to see Inej smiling. She sets his gloves on his knee. She's still grinning.

“That's what you come up with?” She asks. Her expression turns serious. “You better give it back.” 

He slides his glove back on. Then, with a shaky smile, pretends to pull it out of her ear. 

He studies the object in his hand. It's a smooth, black stone. 

“It's my worry stone.” Inej takes it from him. She rubs her thumb over it. “I rub it like this when I get anxious and it gives me something to focus on so I can calm down.” 

She turns away, giving him a moment to compose himself. He's grateful for it. 

Inej rewinds the show. 

“We missed a lot. Do you want to stay and watch it?” She asks. She offers him the stone. “You can use it if you want.”

Kaz accepts it. He moves to his armchair. They watch the show while Kaz runs his thumb over the stone and rolls it over his fingers.  
______________________________________________________

Inej doesn't know why she bothered to rewind the show. She is too busy watching Kaz to actually process any of it.

Kaz is sprawled in his chair, playing with her stone. He's facing the tv, but Inej doesn't think he's watching. Instead his thoughts seem to be drifting peacefully.

A storm is building outside. Inej can hear the thunder and occasionally a flash of lightning lights the room. 

When the show finishes, Kaz gets up. He drops her stone on her stomache.

“Thanks.” He says and his gaze is warm. “I'm staying at Wylan’s tonight. I should get going.”

“Are you sure?” She glances out the window. The storm starting pick up. It's raining and windy. “The storm looks pretty bad.”

Kaz glances at the window, “I'll be fine.”

He gathers his coat and shoes. 

“You can take this with you if you want.” She offers him the stone. “Just for now.”

He accepts the rock, “Thanks. See you tomorrow.”

She nods and walks him to the door. He reaches for the doorknob, but turns before he gets there. 

“I'm not ready to say those words yet, but I want you to know that I- I feel lighter when I'm around you. Thank you, Inej, for taking a chance on a monster like me.”

“You're not a monster, Kaz.” She tells him. 

He nods, but she's not sure if he believes her. She opens her mouth to press her point, but he interrupts, “Did you have to tell Nina, though? You know she can't keep a secret.”

She shakes her head at him. Kaz can be petty. She knows this will come back in some future argument, because he can never let things go.

“I don't care who knows about us.” She tells him. “What's the worst they could do?”

His lips quirk upwards, “Goodnight, Inej.”

“Goodnight, Kaz.”

With that he's gone. 

Inej feels a twinge of unease. She's already regretting her words. She can feel the universe shifting. She imagines it saying, Oh, you want to see the worst, do you?

She leans out the door about to call Kaz back, but he's already gone. She frowns, trying to brush off her worry. Everything will be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Foreshadowing? There have been an awful lot of fluffy happy chapters lately...


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I owe you all a huge apology! I know it's been forever. School started this week. I thought: I can handle writing and school and sports, it's not that hard. I was wrong.  
> I'm hoping to continue updating about twice a week. I may fail, but I promise I will post at least once a week. This will be finished. It's just taking longer than expected.  
> I also apologize, because this chapter is kind of a filler chapter, so it's not super exciting. Since it's the weekend, I'll be able to write more and hopefully get a few chapters ahead so I can update during the week.  
> Thanks for being patient!

Inej wakes up to find five voicemails on her phone. She frowns and clicks play.

Message 1, 11:32 - “Hi, Inej. It’s Wylan. It's eleven thirty and Kaz isn't here. He said he’d be late, but it's raining really hard and I'm starting to worry. Jesper said to check with you. We thought maybe he was at your place. Anyways, call back when you get this.”

Kaz left around eleven last night. He was probably delayed by the storm.

Message 2, 12:06 - “Inej, it's Wylan again. Still no Kaz. Can you call us back?”

Inej starts to feel worried, but plays the next message.

Message 3, 12:58 - “Hey, Jesper here, the storm’s really crazy. If Kaz is at your place tell him to stay there, but call us so we know he's at your place. Normally you'd be responsible enough to send a text if Kaz was there, so we're starting to panic. Call us back as soon as you hear this.”

Message 4, 2:13 - “This is Nina and sweetie, you need to call Wylan, because he's panicking. He's been calling non-stop and now Matthias is starting to worry. We want to go look for him, but it's too dangerous with the storm. If you guys fell asleep and forgot to text us I'm going to be mad, but relieved that Kaz is safe. Call immediately.”

Kaz said he was going to Wylan’s, unless he got hurt in the storm, or he had a panic attack and got lost, or one of his many enemies found him and killed him. She shakes her head forcing her mind to stop thinking of worst case scenarios. 

Message 5, 4:24 - “Inej, I'm sure you'll call as soon as you get up, but I wanted to let you know that Jesper and I are going looking for him. The storm has calmed a bit. We're going to check the Slat and then pick up Nina and Matthias. Afterwards we're heading to your place. Call us when you're up.”

Inej glances at the clock, 5:37. She's always been an early riser. She likes everything about mornings: the shadows, the lack of people, the sunrise. This morning isn't sounding great though.

She calls Wylan. 

“Inej!” He picks up immediately. 

“Hey, Wylan. Kaz left at eleven last night. He said he was going to your place.” She cuts right to business.

“Well, he never arrived.” Wylan sounds nervous. “We just came from the Slat and he wasn't there. Where do you think he went?”

“I'm not sure, but we'll find him. How far are you from my place?”

“Twenty minutes max. Nina and Matthias are with us.”

“Okay, see you soon.” 

She quickly gets dressed and eats a granola bar.  
______________________________________________________

They decided to walk from Inej’s house to Wylan’s. They didn't see Kaz or any clues to where he went, so they spread out and walked the side roads. They checked the docks. They checked the gambling houses. They checked the school district. 

The mood is solemn as they continue searching. Inej insists they search every inch of Ketterdam for him. Matthias is at the Slat, working with Anika to keep the Dregs running smoothly. They don't want the younger members to know Kaz is missing. 

Jesper is calling Kaz’s phone continuously. It feels like a useless job since Kaz never answers or uses his phone, but they aren't sure how else to contact him. 

Inej, Nina and Wylan walk until their feet ache, searching for some sign of Kaz. Unfortunately the rain makes it hard to track him even though they know he started at Inej’s house. 

Evening falls and they are no closer to finding Kaz than they were that morning. Wylan has a bad feeling that's been growing all day. 

According to Inej, Kaz wasn't upset when he left. They know Kaz was planning on coming to his house. The storm may have forced him to take cover but Kaz would've found them this morning when the storm died down. So where is he?

Dinner is quiet. The mood is heavy and no one feels like talking. 

Nina nudges a plate of food toward Inej, but she just stares at it without appetite. Jesper sprawls on the couch, completely still for once. Wylan sits on the couch near Jesper’s head staring at the wall. Matthias’s shoulders are slumped as he dozes uneasily. Nina is trying to get them to eat and failing across the board.

“We could check near the docks again.” Jesper suggests. “We only checked there once.”

Inej pulls herself to her feet. It's probably not going to lead to anything, but at least it'll give her something to do.

Inej is grabbing her coat when her phone rings. They all stare at it as if they've never heard a phone ring before.

“It's Kaz.” She says, heart pounding with worry, hope, and fear. 

She answers it and puts it on speaker phone, “Kaz?”

“Inej.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're excited for more. Thanks to everyone who left kudos or comments. I see them. They make me happy. I'm reminded to write. So thank you!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place simultaneously/before last chapter. It's what happened to Kaz before he called Inej.
> 
> This is not a happy chapter. There will be torture, though I skip most of the violence. There is some forced kissing so if that upsets you skip the last section.

When Kaz wakes up he knows exactly where he is, however he doesn't know how he got there. 

He remembers that it was raining and he was at Inej’s house watching tv with her. He remembers leaving to go to Wylan’s, but everything in between is gone. 

He's on the Wraith. He's sure of it. Kaz handpicked this ship for Inej, he easily recognizes it even from below deck. 

He's locked in one of the cells Inej uses for transporting slave traders back to Ketterdam to face justice in the courts. So he's not on a friendly visit then, unless Jesper is playing a joke on him. 

His head aches. There's a sharp pain in his temple when he moves too fast. He can feel a bump there and it's swollen. His thoughts feel a little scrambled, that and his lack of memory of the last few hours, mean he probably has a concussion. He's definitely not here for a visit. 

He searches for his lockpicks to get out of the cell. They aren't in his jacket, neither are his knives or pistol. Surely he didn't leave without a weapon. Where's his cane?

A flash of panic overwhelms him. Though he'll never admit it, he's a lot more dependent on his cane then he lets on. He can walk short distances without it and climb or run if a job requires him to, but most days, especially after a storm like today, he needs it to get around. 

Kaz is just calming his breathing when the hatch opens. The only way down to this part of the ship is through a trapdoor and down the ladder. 

The first glimpse he gets of his captor are large black boots. This is quickly followed by a muscular torso and arms. Icy blue eyes stare at Kaz intently.

“Mr. Brekker, glad you could join us.” His captor grins. It's a smile Kaz has worn many times. This man is no stranger to violence. 

He's muscular and his arms bear their fair share of scars. His eyes are cold. Kaz feels a spark of anger to see that he's holding his cane. He slams it sharply into the deck as he stops in front of Kaz’s cell. 

Inside Kaz shrinks away in fear, but outside he slips into Dirtyhands. “It's my pleasure, though I don't believe I know you.”

“I'm a friend of the Wraith.” 

“A friend.” Kaz says making it clear he knows the man’s lie, but also trying to sound indifferent, though his stomach clenches at the way he says friend. “Where do I come in?”

“You, Mr. Brekker, are going to help me rid the seas of our mutual friend.” 

“Really?” Kaz cocks an eyebrow. “What's in it for me?”

The man laughs cruelly, “Nothing. You're going to do it for free.”

“I don't do anything for free.”

“Don't worry I can be very convincing.” There's a mad glint in his eyes.

“She doesn't care about me.” Kaz says. “She left as soon as she could get out of the Dregs.”

His kidnapper smiles cruelly with the craziness of someone with nothing to lose. 

“Call her.” He holds out Kaz’s phone.

Kaz takes the phone. He looks at it, letting his courage build. He thinks of Inej and her smile. There's no way he's going to let this man touch her. He brings it towards the ground. 

He's about to smash it as hard as he can into the floor when his cane connects with his wrist. The cane he had specially made to be a weapon easily shatters his wrist. Kaz cries out, pulling it in towards his chest.

The phone falls to the ground. The screen cracks but it still turns on when his captor picks it up. “Perhaps you need a bit of convincing.”   
______________________________________________________

Kaz is trying to breathe without expanding his lungs. It's as difficult as it sounds. 

His captor, Kaz learned his name is Kurtis, has left nothing unbroken or unbruised. 

Kurtis beat him with twisted glee, laughing happily with each blow. To make matters worse, he used Kaz’s cane to do it, which was a blow to Kaz’s pride.

His right wrist is broken. His toes have been methodically smashed, one by one. 

“I'll leave your fingers so you can dial.” Kurtis told him. “But don't get too confident, if you need more convincing I'll break them too. There are plenty of others who can dial for you.”

His ribs ache. Kaz isn't sure if they are broken or bruised. All he knows is they hurt with each breath, hence trying not to expand his lungs. 

His wrists bleed from fighting against the shackles that Kurtis snapped on to keep him from fighting. Kaz put up an impressive fight even without weapons, but with his wrists and ankles shackled it quickly died. 

He twisted his ankle trying to get away; It's swollen and tender. His legs are covered with bruises, but nothing appears to be broken, though his bad knee is swelling up.

Kurtis stripped his shirt off and worse his gloves. His shoes and socks have also been taken, though he cares about them less. 

Kaz nearly got sick as he ripped off his clothes, but luckily he only touched fabric so Kaz was able to avoid a full-blown panic attack.

Somehow he managed not to scream, not to give in until Kurtis left him alone to think over his options. Kaz is trying not to think. 

Not to think about the pain in his head and wrist and chest and body. Not to think about what Inej is doing. Not to think about what Wylan and Jesper thought when he didn't show up. Not to think about what will happen if he doesn't call Inej. Certainly not to think about what will happen if his kidnapper gets too close, if he touches him. Not to think about what that would mean. 

The hatch to the deck above opens. Kaz flinches before he can stop himself. 

A young boy climbs down. He looks nervous. His hair is brown with a slight reddish tinge that reminds Kaz of Wylan. His solemn brown eyes take in Kaz’s bruised form. 

“Boss wants to know if you've changed your mind.” He says, standing uncomfortably in front of Kaz. He shifts nervously. 

Kaz glares at him, “I haven't.”

The boy flinches. He edges back towards the ladder. His face is pale. What is this kid doing here? Kaz wonders. 

He closes his eyes and tries to relax. He doesn't have long before Kurtis is back.  
______________________________________________________

Kaz has long ago given up on not screaming.

Kurtis dips a strip of cloth in acid, then slaps it against Kaz’s back or arm. It burns causing Kaz to cry out, then it slowly fades to a dull sting as the acid eats at his skin. 

Kurtis repeats the motion, slapping the next strip half an inch below the first. When he runs out of space on Kaz’s body he leaves.

Kaz sits alone. He can feel the acid eating away at his flesh. It slowly grows less painful as it wears off. 

As it grows less painful, Kaz’s panic increases. He knows from experience that after it stops the young boy, Alek, will be down to wash his back and arms off, then Kurtis will start the process again.

Kaz isn't sure how many times he's gone through this now. Six? Seven? His thoughts are jumbled. It's hard to stay conscious much less focused. 

Footsteps approach him. He glances up to find Alek with a bucket. The boy washes his arm, removing the lingering acid. The salt water stings, but the cool temperature eases some of the pain he feels from the burns. 

“Here.” Alek says softly, looking at the door nervously. 

He presses the rim of the bucket to Kaz’s lips. 

Though his body desperately wants to take a sip, Kaz pulls away, “Drinking salt water only dehydrates you more.”

The boy’s eyes go wide. “Sorry! I didn't know. I swear.”

Kaz is too tired to care if the kid was taunting him or not. He closes his eyes signaling that he's done talking.

Alek hovers uncertainly before going to get Kurtis. 

“Brekker, ready for another round?” Kurtis doesn't wait for a response. 

He turns Kaz around this time. He presses an acid soaked strip into his chest. Kaz cries out. Kurtis sprinkles the acid across his stomach.

“Opps.” He giggles as Kaz moans. He reaches down and smears the drop. 

Kaz flinches away in fear, even though his hands are covered by gloves to protect him from the acid.

Kurtis looks at him curiously before pulling off his gloves. He runs a finger down Kaz’s bare chest, careful to avoid the lingering acid. Kaz flinches as his mind dissolves into panic. 

“It appears I've found a weakness.” Kurtis grins gleefully. 

Kaz knows he's lost. Within minutes he's begging for him to stop.  
______________________________________________________

Kaz stares at the phone. It's already dialed all he has to do is hit the call button. The back of his mind tells him not to do it, to protect Inej, but he can't focus enough to hear it.

Kurtis has his bare hand around his throat. The skin to skin contact makes Kaz gag and he wonders vaguely if he'll throw up. He knows he won't, because everything in his stomach has already been thrown up and lies around his feet, instead he's left gagging. 

Kurtis leans in and presses a kiss to his cheek. Kaz jerks back hitting his head on the wall. A sharp pain temporarily steals his vision away. 

This is Kurtis’s new form of torture. First it was just touching Kaz, then running his hands over his chest, then choking him, now it's teasing kisses.

Kaz knows he's screaming and crying, but it feels distant. 

He mind is chaos. There are overlapping layers of fear, broken thoughts, and random nonsense. His brain is shutting off. He is shutting out memories, thoughts, emotions. He wants to stop thinking. 

He doesn't know why he doesn't just let this captain, the Wraith right?, walk into the trap. All he knows is that before this all started he vowed not to.

Kurtis leans in, moving his hands so he can press a kiss to Kaz’s neck. Kaz shudders, though his body is almost too exhausted to do even that. Kurtis sucks on his skin a bit. Kaz’s stomach turns as his tongue hits skin. 

His hand slides to grip Kaz’s hair. Kaz pulls away as Kurtis leans in. His lips are inches away. He's tilting his head to match Kaz’s. 

Kaz hits call. 

Kurtis laughs, “What's wrong, pet? Done playing? I do hope the Wraith will be more fun to play with, though you did great, sweetie.”

Another kiss. 

Kaz hears his words and the ringing sound, but they're distant. He wants to curl up and not move. He wants to fade into the walls. He wants to stop being.

There's a click and then he hears a voice that makes him cry, though he can't remember why. 

“Kaz?”

He remembers a girl perched on the windowsill feeding the birds. He remembers a laugh he would do anything to hear again. He remembers calming brown eyes. He remembers her. 

It makes him want to sob, because he misses her, he needs her, he loves her, and by giving in he is putting her in danger.

“Inej.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is commenting on or reading this. You are all wonderful! I hope you're having an awesome week.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another unhappy chapter. It's not going to be fluffy again for awhile.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who continues to take the time to comment. I can't begin to express how much I appreciate you.

His voice is raw. His rasp even more pronounced as if he's been screaming. He slurs his words as if he's having trouble focusing or losing consciousness.

“Kaz! Are you ok? Where are you?” She asks. Her friends have gathered around her.

“Inej.” He pauses. Inej can tell he's trying to find his train of thought. “Inej, I'm on a boat.”

Inej frowns, “Why?”

“Inej.” Kaz says softly. “What do the boat and Inej have in common?”

“Kaz, are you okay?” Inej asks as he continues mumbling to himself. 

“You share the same name!” Kaz says. “I'm on the Wraith. Inej, it's a trap. They made me call you. Don't come, I'll be-”

There's a sharp crash from his end of the phone. Kaz gasps and Inej jumps. She can hear someone talking on the other end, but can't make out what they're saying. 

“Inej-” Kaz starts again. Inej hears another crash. This time Kaz whimpers. 

A person takes the phone, “Hello, Wraith. It seems I found something of yours.”

“Who are you?” 

“If you want him returned alive I suggest you do what I tell you.”

“I don't do business with nameless callers.” She says firmly though her heart is beating fast.

“Perhaps I can convince you to make an exception.” The voice says gleefully.

There's a pause, then Inej hears Kaz gasp. 

“Can you hear clearly?” The voice asks. “For a ruthless monster, he's very affected by touch. Listen to what happens when I kiss his neck.”

Kaz whimpers. Inej hears a dull thump. 

“I told him not to pull back like that, but he won't listen. The wall's quite hard, I do hope his head is okay.”

“Stop.” Inej says firmly. “What do you want?”

“What are you offering?”

Inej grits her teeth, “Aren't you supposed to be the one making the demands?”

Kaz cries out. 

Inej hears laughter, “Not the answer I wanted.”

“What answer did you want then?”

“Anything.” Is the cold response. “Will you give me anything for Mr. Brekker?”

Inej freezes, because she's not sure. She doesn't know if she'd give up her dream for Kaz. Could she give up her life as a Captain? 

She takes the phone off speakerphone. Wylan is pale and looks faint. Nina is covering her mouth looking shocked. Matthias and Jesper both have their battle faces on. For Matthias it's the grim set to his lips, for Jesper it's twirling his guns with a fierce expression. 

“I'm willing to negotiate.” She says.

“Interesting.” The voice responds. “Would you like to know what happens when I kiss his chest?”

Kaz whimpers weakly. 

“His hip?”

Kaz moans, “Stop! Stop.”

“That's enough. I said I was willing to negotiate.” Inej says. Her stomach churns wildly with fear and anger.

“Maybe you want me to take a more direct approach.” 

She can hear the insanity in the singsong quality of his tone. “What should I break? An ankle, perhaps?”

Kaz screams, but it quickly dies to a moan. She can hear him crying softly in the background as the conversation resumes.

“I'm not sure I'm ready to give my toy away yet.” He says. “Maybe in a few days. If you want him back I'd suggest sailing north for a few hours. That'd be a start at least.” 

“What do you want?” Inej asks desperately. “I'll give it to you.”

“What do I want?” The voice muses. “I want you to suffer.”

“Please.” Inej whispers. She can't believe she's begging, but all she can hear is Kaz’s quiet sobs.

“Well since you asked so nicely there might be one thing you could do. If you would like to talk to Mr. Brekker for a few minutes you could tell me the combination to your safe.”

Inej quickly rattles off the numbers. The money took her months to accumulate, but it's just money. She has bigger worries. 

Inej waits as the person on the other end tries the combo. She hears a click and he sighs happily.

“Very well, little Wraith, a deal is a deal. You have two minutes.”

“Kaz?” She says. She can hear his gasping breaths, but he doesn't respond. “Kaz, we're going to come get you. Can you tell us anything about where you are?”

Kaz’s voice is barely a whisper, “I want to come home.”

“We're going to find you. I promise.”

Kaz doesn't respond, so she repeats it twice more before the phone clicks off. 

Inej looks at her friends. Wylan is pale and teary eyed. Jesper and Nina are wide eyed. Matthias glares at the phone.

“We need to buy a boat.” She says.  
______________________________________________________

Later that day she's standing at the docks waiting for her friends to tell her they're ready to go. She stares at the vastness of the sea knowing that somewhere out there Kaz is in danger. It doesn't matter that the sea feels infinite, she's going to find him. She's going to get her boat, and she's going to get her boy.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this! As always, I appreciate any kudos and comments.

Jesper’s in the crow’s nest again. It pains him to think of that name, crow’s nest, because that reminds him of his friends, which reminds him of Kaz, which starts the cycle of panic again. He's up here to avoid that panic or at least delay it a bit.

It's been two days. Fifty-one hours actually. Every moment of those hours has been miserable. 

As much as he loves his friends, he's finding them unbearable. The lack of control, of purpose, of hope is killing him. He'd rather have a good old fashioned fight to the death, than this cat and mouse game they are caught playing.

Every hour on the dot, Inej receives a message from Kaz’s captor. Usually it's a taunt or a suggestion of what he might be doing to Kaz. Sometimes it's a picture of Kaz’s broken wrist, bruised chest, or bleeding forehead. One time it was a two minute voicemail of Kaz’s screams. 

It's tearing them apart. 

Each message is followed with a new direction to sail. The vagueness of these directions leads them all to believe that they aren't being brought closer to Kaz, but instead being led in circles. 

Needless to say, morale is very low.

Inej has been a relentless wave of orders. Jesper doesn't blame her, but it's hard to be around. 

Wylan’s constant stream of what ifs, that grow more and more gruesome as the time goes on, are even harder to listen to than Inej’s commands.

Normally, Nina would pull them together, but even she has lost her cheerfulness. She's been moping around deck in a daze and Jesper has heard her crying at night.

You couldn't pay him to go near Matthias, who has a dangerous glint in his eyes. Jesper gets the feeling he's going to snap and lash out at the nearest thing to him. 

So Jesper spends most of the day hiding up here trying to hold on to hope. If there's anyone who can keep himself alive it's Kaz. 

Jesper hears the creak of the ropes as they go tight. Within seconds Inej has scaled them and hops in next to him. She looks surprised to see him, a testament to how distracted she's been since he spends nearly every waking moment up here.

“Hey.” She mutters awkwardly shifting.

He pats the space next to him, inviting her to sit. “Hey. How are you doing?”

“I'm-" She trails off with a sigh. She sits next to him, tucking her feet under her. 

“I saw we changed direction a few hours ago.” He comments.

She nods, “Yeah, we are supposed to head the direction that is most yellow.”

Jesper raises an eyebrow, wondering how they are supposed to determine that.

“I know.” Inej says softly. “He's playing with us, but I don't know what else to do.”

“You're doing your best.” Jesper says soothingly. 

She nods, but he knows what she's thinking, because he's thinking it too: Kaz would know what to do. Kaz would have a plan. 

Beep.

They both glance at Inej’s phone. It's seven o'clock. 

Inej swipes it open. As he expected it's another message from Kaz’s phone. 

He reads it over her shoulder, “His balance is really horrible without his cane. You should've taught him to walk a wire like you. He can barely walk the plank. And his swimming is even worse. It took us a few minutes to pull him out of the water. By that time his lips were blue and he was breathing water instead of air.  
Are you still sailing towards yellow? I've always thought red was more of your color.”

Inej looks exhausted. Her eyes slowly fill with tears that she forcefully blinks away. 

Then, suddenly, her eyes narrow and her expression turns thoughtful. 

She hops up and swings over the edge, scampering down the rope. She heads to the wheel and sharply changes directions. 

Jesper watches, bewildered, as she disappears into her cabin.  
______________________________________________________

Inej turns the phone over in her palm. She thinks of her one clue. The water is cold. 

It's early fall and the air is starting to cool, but the water shouldn't be cold enough to turn someone's lips blue in minutes. Unless you were sailing near Fjerda where the winter is nearly year-round. 

She turns the phone in her hand again. It's risky to respond. She might give something important away, but he could too. 

WraithoftheSea: Does he have frostbite?

The response is almost immediate.

Deadman: Only on his hands and feet. Have I finally caused you to worry? It took a while. You're not nearly as caring as I'd heard.

Inej changed Kaz’s contact name, when the text messages got more frequent. It was too painful to look down and think that maybe this time it was actually Kaz. She changed it to remind her what this monster would soon be.

Deadman: Or perhaps you weren't thinking of him, but wanted to talk to me.

WraithoftheSea: We were troubled by a strong Eastern wind earlier. I hope it blew you off course, or better yet, smashed you into the rocks.

Deadman: Your concern touches me, but no, we weren't slowed at all. In fact, the current is in our favor.

As she suspected, he is nowhere near their ship. She takes a gamble.

WraithoftheSea: I hope you are well stocked on food. I've heard the northern ports are already beginning to lock up with ice. 

Deadman: You heard wrong.

She can almost hear his mocking tone, but she smiles cunningly. He's near Fjerda.

It's a start. That's still a huge patch of sea to search, but at least she has direction. I'm coming, Kaz. She thinks.

WraithoftheSea: I'll have to find better sources then.

Like you, she thinks.

Twenty minutes later she feels her burst of hope start to fade away.

Deadman: I think it's time to raise the stakes don't you?

Attached is a video. Inej sees Kaz’s hands strapped to a wood desk. She watches as the butt of a gun is brought down on his pinky finger, shattering the bone.

There is no sound and she can't see Kaz’s face, but she doesn't need either of those things to see his pain. His arms spasm and he pulls against the straps. His hands forced flat against the table, desperately try to twist away from the next blow. 

Inej holds her breath, but the next hit doesn't come. The video stops.

Deadman: One day down. Nine to go. Then I'll have nothing left to break, but his neck.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Kaz's POV so there is some reference to torture, but it's not graphic.

Alek mops the floor in a series of mesmerizing circles. It's one of the only times Kaz knows he's safe. Kurtis never dirtys his hands with clean up. 

While he seems to have no problem breaking bones or cutting skin, he is never the one to clean up the mess after, and Alek has never hit him so as long as the boy is mopping Kaz relaxes. 

Alek watches Kaz nervously as he scrubs the floor. The boy is too jumpy. Kaz is chained, bleeding, and probably couldn't walk if he wanted to. Heck, it's Kaz’s blood he's scrubbing off the deck. Still Alek says well out of reach. 

“Move your feet.” The boy whispers, adding a soft, “Please.”

Kaz starts to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. He's chained and watching one of his captors clean up the blood that was whipped out of him just an hour earlier, while his captor politely asks him to move.

His laughter turns to harsh, shuddering sobs as another wave of pain mixed with cold reality hits him. 

His body is broken. Three of his fingers are shattered. His clever fingers, that could always be relied on, are swollen, twisted, and aching. He had tried moving them. To his relief he found he can move them a little, though not without temporarily blacking out. 

Out of all his body parts, his broken fingers are in the best condition. Kaz couldn't move his feet for Alek, even if he wanted to. Breathing hurts. Blinking hurts. Living hurts. 

He's ready for Kurtis to kill him. In fact, he's started a countdown. 

For the last three days Kurtis has broken a finger each day, clearly a timeline. If he can get through seven more days, seven more fingers, then Kurtis will kill him. He has too. Kaz refuses to think that it could continue. If he can make it seven more days, this will all end.

“Here.” Alek says gently. “Have some of my water.”

Kaz realizes he's still sobbing, though it has died into shaking and the occasional sob. Alek looks anxiously between Kaz and the door as he brings a water bottle to his lips.

Kaz gulps it down. Kurtis often forgets or chooses to leave him without water. Alek pulls it away letting Kaz swallow and saving him from choking, before bringing it back to his lips. They continue like that, until the bottle is empty.

Then Alek goes back to mopping and Kaz retreats back into his head. Alek carefully guides his feet out of the way even though it was done gently, Kaz still groans. 

“I don't know who you are.” Alek says conversationally as he plunges the mop back into the bucket. “I mean, I know you're Kaz Brekker, but I don't know who that is. Kurtis says you're the King of Ketterdam, but I couldn't tell if he was joking or not. My pa mentioned you once or twice, but I don't know anything else about you.”

Kaz watches him, silently. His voice is thousands of miles away. The signal to talk gets lost on the way to his mouth. And really, What is he supposed to say to that?

“My pa is dead now.” Alek tells him quietly. “Kurtis took me in a few months ago, after he died.”

He wrings the mop out.

“I've helped with a few jobs. Last time we moved a hundred girls, though most died on the journey. I don't like it much, but I've got to eat.”

He looks at Kaz. His eyes are pleading. “You can rationalize anything when you have to do it to stay alive, you know?”

Kaz nods, though it sends spots dancing across his vision. 

“Kurtis says you deserve this.” Alek looks at him, clearly wanting to ask, but too afraid to do it.

“I did.” Kaz answers. His throat protests, but he continues. “I did, but I'm changing. I don't- I don't think I deserve this anymore.”

The boy watches him with wide eyes. 

“You don't have to do this. You can walk away. You can be whoever you want as long as you are brave enough to try.”

Alek shakes his head, “You don't understand. I have nowhere to go. This is the only way I can survive.”

Kaz does understand. He understands the fear, the hopelessness, the desperation. He chose to become a monster. How can he judge someone else for making the same choice? 

Alek finishes cleaning the deck. He takes the bucket and mop, carefully climbing the ladder.

“Alek,” Kaz calls. “It's never too late. If you decide you made the wrong choice, no matter what you did, it won't be too late to change.”

Alek leaves without looking back. Kaz isn't sure whether the words were meant for the boy or himself, but he knows they were true. It's not too late to change. 

Except, maybe, for him, since he's running out of time. As if reading his mind, Kurtis descends the ladder.

“Mr. Brekker, I've just had the most wonderful idea.” He says.

Kaz forces his mind to go somewhere else, anywhere else. He can no longer summon any good memories and instead focuses on feeling nothing at all.

He empties his mind, finding the lack of caring that has got him through everything else. 

He didn't care three days ago when Kurtis stripped him naked and paraded him around the deck, allowing everyone to touch him as they pleased. He felt nothing two days ago when they hung him from his wrists and took turns using him as a punching bag. He didn't mind yesterday when he was forced to eat a poison that made him sick for hours, severely dehydrating him. His mind was empty today when Kurtis whipped him repeatedly.

“Should we record a message for the Wraith?” Kurtis taunts him. “Do you want to cry or scream? I'll let you choose. See how reasonable I can be?”

Kaz chooses to scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, Inej is coming to save the day, though it may take her longer than she expects.
> 
> Please comment if you have time, I love to hear your thoughts. 
> 
> I'm excited for the next chapter and may post it in a day or two!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update, because I was excited to post this chapter and hear your thoughts on it. It's not happy, but it's happier if that makes sense.

Jesper threw Inej’s phone off the boat. Wylan has no idea what the message was or if the stress finally broke him, but the phone is gone. 

Inej had been mad for a moment, but had let it go.

“Don't worry, Jes. I'm glad it's gone.” She told him, patting his shoulder lightly. “Why don't you get some sleep.”

Wylan had followed him. Jesper’s asleep, clinging onto Wylan in a way that is uncomfortable, too warm, and makes it impossible to move. He lets it go, because Jesper is actually sleeping. 

It's been hard to sleep. Not just because of worry, but also because they can't waste time. There are only two days left to rescue Kaz. 

Inej seems to know where she's going. She and Matthias have spent hours pouring over maps of the Fjerda coast and the sea nearby. 

It's Wylan's turn to go up in the crow’s nest and keep watch for any sign of another ship. He gently shakes Jesper awake, feeling guilty for waking him, but knowing Matthias will need a break. 

Jesper wakes up swinging. Wylan quickly ducks to avoid his fists.

“Sorry.” Jesper mumbles, dropping his head into his hands. 

“No harm done.” Wylan tells him. “You can go back to sleep if you want. I just needed you to move off me so I could get up.” 

Jesper mumbles incoherently in response, before sliding out of the cot and joining Nina in hers. Nina whines as Jesper fidgets trying to get comfortable, but by the time Wylan has put on his coat and shoes they are both sleeping again.

He stops to make a pot of coffee. Taking a thermos in each hand he braves the cold. 

Inej is curled up at the wheel. Her cheeks are flushed from the winter wind. He holds up the coffee as he walks towards her. It makes him smile to watch her eyes light up as she sees him and the coffee.

“Thanks.” She says, accepting the thermos. 

He shrugs, “I thought you might be cold. I'm heading up to switch with Matthias.”

She nods and sips the coffee as he walks away. 

Matthias stands alert, looking out at the sea. Wylan can see his soldier training in his attentive posture. Even though there are dark circles under his eyes, he remains focused.

“Matthias?” Wylan says, pulling his attention away from the water. “I brought you some coffee, though it may make it hard to sleep.”

Matthias squeezes his shoulder, “Thank you, but I'm going to try and catch a few hours of sleep. Keep it, the wind is brutal tonight, you'll need something to warm you up.”

Wylan watches him climb down to the deck below. He wonders if he'll sleep in one of the spare cots or join Nina and Jesper. He suspects the latter, though it'll be a tight fit.

He drinks his coffee, but still finds himself shivering only an hour into his shift. 

The repetitive expanse of sea stretches before him. Here and there it's broken by a glimpse of the shoreline. Otherwise it's just choppy waves and slowly growing brighter sky. He watches as the first color hits the horizon turning the sky a light- A boat!

He scrambles for the telescope. Definitely a boat, a little larger than the one they're on. He squint as another boat comes into view, then another. Soon there is a small fleet of boats on the horizon, and there in the center the unmistakable shape of the Wraith.  
______________________________________________________

Against her will, Inej was starting to doze off when suddenly she sees Wylan half climb, half fall down the rope.

“Nej!” He gasps. “Nej, I saw the Wraith. It's-”

She doesn't wait for him to finish. She defies gravity as she flies up to the crow’s nest. She sees it, her ship. 

She recognizes some of the ships around it. Many of them belong to slavers she's been chasing or who she freed prisoners from. 

She straightens, becoming the Wraith. They want to settle matters now, then they'll settle matters. The only ship to leave here will be hers and it won't be captained by anyone, but herself.

“Wylan, wake the others.” She orders as she lands on the deck. “Meet here in five minutes, and tell them to bring their weapons.”

Minutes later they are gathered around her. She surveys them and is satisfied with what she sees. 

Jesper and Nina both wear fierce expressions and are itching for a fight. Matthias stands alert and steady. Wylan already has a stack of explosives mixed and is working on another as he waits. They're ready.

“Alright, here's the plan.” She says. 

Since Nina and Jesper are ready to fight and too impulsive to go unseen, she'll bring them with her. They'll board one of the ships, not the Wraith or the one they are currently sailing, but another of the slavers ships. There they'll demand a meeting with Kurtis.

Meanwhile, Matthias will find Kaz. When he finds him, he’ll tell Wylan to set off the cannons. They'll take the Wraith and use Wylan's explosives to sink the rest of the ships.

It's not the most thought through, but the glint in her friends eyes tells her they won't fail.  
______________________________________________________

Matthias and Wylan quietly row one of the rowboats towards the Wraith. 

The others were taken into another boat. The captain had assured them, they would return unharmed, but Matthias didn't like the way he smirked as he said it or that Inej knew him by name. Clearly he holds a grudge against her.

They board the Wraith and move below deck to where the cannons are. Once there, Matthias leaves Wylan to do his job. He warns Wylan to be careful, since some of the crew may still be on the boat, and goes to find Kaz.

He's familiar enough with the Wraith to know the best routes and all the hiding places, though it's not hard to guess where Kaz is. Matthias has no doubt that he's being kept below deck, where there are cages for prisoners. 

As he expected, Kaz is there. He can hear his rough voice as he gets closer. 

He pauses when he reaches the trapdoor and listens. He can hear Kaz talking, then another unknown voice answers. 

Cautiously he pulls the door open a crack, careful not to make a noise that would alert someone to his presence. He stops to listen.

“Have we stopped?” Kaz asks. He sounds terrible. Matthias winces at how hoarse his voice is. “I haven't felt as many waves lately. Are we at shore?”

“No.” A young voice answers, nervously. “We're just taking a break.”

“Ah, you're not supposed to tell me.”

There's a pause.

Kaz continues, a bit of humor touching his voice, “I know Kurtis must be away, if you are so willing to spend time here. Where is he? Buying supplies? Drinking again?”

“No.” The young voice answers sullenly. “Stop interrogating me. You said you'd help.”

“You missed the negative sign.” 

“No! I distributed it right there!” 

“Yes, but you have to distribute it to all the terms, remember?”

“I did!”

Matthias furrows his brow, confused by the conversation. He carefully edges down the ladder until he can see into the room. He blinks to adjust the the dim lighting, broken only by a single lamp. 

By Djel and all things holy! Kaz-

His brain refuses to process the scene for a moment. 

Kaz looks as Matthias expected, but worse. He's stripped to the waist and every inch of skin Matthias can see is either black or blue or red.

He's chained to the wall at the ankles and wrists. The chains are long enough that he can lay down, though not comfortably. 

Though Kaz’s bruised skin and broken bones don't surprise Matthias, the scene before him does.

A young boy, likely no older than thirteen, sits in front of Kaz. He has brown hair with hues of red and caramel eyes. He's folded over a packet of paper.

Kaz lays in front of him. His position is awkward, because of the chains. He's completely limp. 

Kaz’s head rests on something balled up. After a moment, Matthias realizes it's the boy’s sweatshirt. 

“See?” The boy holds the paper in front of Kaz.

“Why is x positive?” Kaz asks.

“Because I multiplied it by negative one, but it's it's being subtracted, so that makes it positive.” He looks at Kaz for approval.

“That's right, but then?” Kaz prompts.

The boy frowns, “But then I distributed the negative one so it should be negative.”

He erases and fixes the mistake. He smiles looking up at Kaz again, “I know how to do the next one! It's easy.”

“Good.” Kaz says softly, closing his eyes. 

Matthias realizes he's been doing nothing for too long, his friends are waiting for him, but he's not sure what to do about the boy. 

He's just a kid, but he's on this ship, so he must be loyal to them. Does he have any weapons? Will he attack him?

“Kaz?” The boy looks worried. “Are you alright? Kaz!”

Kaz’s eyes flutter open again, “Do you have any water left?”

The boy picks up his water bottle and shakes it gently, “A little. You should sit up to drink it though, or you might choke.”

Kaz winces as if even the thought of moving is painful, “I'll be fine. I won't choke.”

“You said that last time.” The kid says skeptically. “And then you choked.”

Kaz glares at him.

Matthias moves down the ladder. He's fairly certain the boy won't attack him. He seems to like Kaz, at least enough to give him water.

Kaz has his back to Matthias, so the kid notices him first. He scrambles to his feet reaching for anything he can find.

“Easy.” Matthias says, showing him he has a gun. “Sit down. I'm not going to hurt you.”

The boy slowly sits down with his hands up.

“Matthias, took you long enough.” Kaz greets him, but doesn't move.

“Kaz, figured you would've escaped by now.” Matthias says back, kneeling beside him. 

Up close he looks even worse, but Matthias ignores the blood and kneels in front of him, so they can look at each other.

Kaz meets his gaze. He looks scared, quiet, a shell of himself, but his eyes still have a clever glint.

“Can you talk me through picking these locks?” Matthias asks gesturing to the chains on his wrists and ankles.

“Not without my lockpicks.” Kaz says.

The boy perks up, raising his hand higher. Matthias stares at him, confused, but Kaz understands.

“Yes, Alek?”

“I can get your lock picks, Kaz.” He says. 

“Are you sure?” Kaz asks.

The boy is bouncing with excitement, “Yeah! I can get them easily. They're small too, so I'll put them in my pocket and no one will see.”

Kaz watches him for a minute, “Be careful.”

The boy, Alek, springs into action.

“Alek!” Kaz calls. “This is not a game.”

The boy sobers significantly, “I know. I'll be very careful.”

Then he climbs the ladder and leaves. Matthias feels uneasy trusting this kid he just met, but he lets him go since Kaz trusts him.

Kaz closes his eyes again. Matthias guards him. It worries him how Kaz barely breathes as if that takes too much energy.

“Can I touch you?” He asks softly.

“I don't see why not, everyone else has.” Kaz says bitterly without opening his eyes.

Matthias winces, but continues. 

He gently brushes a strand of blood soaked hair from Kaz’s forehead. His hair is clumped together and crispy with dried blood.

“We may have to shave your head.” Matthias teases.

Kaz's eyes open, “I wouldn't try that. It would be embarrassing to lose a fight to me right now.”

Matthias smiles, because Kaz is smiling.

“You must've really missed me to be grinning so foolishly.” He teases again.

“I did.” Kaz says seriously, startling Matthias. 

Matthias swallows the lump in his throat, unsure what to say.

He takes off his jacket draping it gently over Kaz. The cold air immediately seeps through his shirt. Kaz must be freezing, though he's not shivering which makes Matthias worry.

“The floor is cold.” Kaz says softly.

“Want me to help you sit up, so you can put it on?” Matthias asks.

Kaz weighs the options, “Sure.” 

Matthias grabs Kaz’s shoulders and pulls him up as carefully as he can. Kaz gasps. Matthias tries not to press too hard into his bruised shoulders. Moving and inch at a time he gets Kaz sitting. 

Once Kaz is sitting, Matthias’s attention is drawn to his hands. Kaz keeps them close to his chest. Eight of his fingers are broken. 

“Kaz.” Matthias says softly. 

Kaz leans forward. Matthias catches him as gently as possible. He holds Kaz as he cries. He understands that the tears aren't just over his fingers, but also because of everything he's had to endure in the last week and a half. 

“I'm sorry.” Matthias whispers.

When Kaz is finished, Matthias helps him put the jacket on. It takes a while as everytime Kaz’s fingers brush against the sleeves he cries out in pain and his arms shake when he moves. 

The trapdoor opens and Alek climbs down the ladder. 

“I've got them.” He says as Matthias zips the jacket for Kaz. “See Kaz, easy.”

Kaz is leaning against the wall, nearly unconscious, but he manages a smile for the boy, “Good job.”

Alek beams with pride and passes the lock picks to Matthias. 

Matthias begins to work on the locks. Kaz offers advice occasionally, but since he fades in and out of consciousness Matthias has to work it out mostly alone.

After the first one opens, it becomes easier.

“Who are you?” Alek asks.

“I'm Matthias.”

“Are you Kaz’s friend?” He asks, leaning in to watch Matthias work on the locks.

“Yeah.” Matthias gives the second lock a final twist and moves on to the ones on Kaz's ankles.

He finishes the last two. 

“I'm going to move Kaz somewhere safer. You can come with if you-"

There's a loud bang and the ship rocks dangerously. Someone just fired on the Wraith. He imagines Inej is pretty mad right now. 

More bangs as well as the pop of guns being fired follow. Matthias was supposed to take Kaz somewhere safe, but it's too late now. His friends need his help, but he can't leave Kaz unguarded.

“Alek, I need to go help my friends.” He says crouching down to the boy’s height. “I don't know you, but Kaz seems to trust you and that's enough for me. Can you stay here and protect him?”

Alek looks scared, “Kurtis says the Wraith will kill me, because I helped sell those girls.”

“That's not true.” Matthias assures him. “I know Inej, the Wraith, she’s very forgiving. She won't hurt you.”

“Okay.” He nods. “I won't let anyone hurt him.”

“Good.” Matthias gives him one of his guns. “This is only for emergencies. Do you know how to fire one?”

“Yes.” The poor kid looks ready to pass out.

“Good. Don't worry I'm sure you won't need it. Put your sweatshirt on, it's too cold to have it off.”

Alek looks at Matthias who is now coatless, but wisely decides not to comment. He picks up the sweatshirt that Kaz was using as a pillow and slides if on.

“Be careful, Mr. Matthias.” Alek says.

Matthias gives him what he hopes is a reassuring smile, “I will. I'll be back in a little bit. Stay here.”

He climbs the ladder. When he reaches the top, he glances back. Kaz is slouched against the wall, nearly invisible in his too large coat. Alek sits in front of him holding the gun firmly. 

Matthias sends a quick prayer to Djel to keep them safe and joins the chaos above.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This next week is crazy busy for me, however I'm also excited about the next few chapters, so I may post often or I may not. That probably sucks to hear if you're waiting for more. I wish I had a more firm answer. I will do my best to post something.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuck, long wait. Sorry about that. I'll be writing and editing like crazy this weekend since I have nothing else to do. More updates to come. Enjoy the chapter!

Inej was mad. No, mad is just a shadow of what she is. She is furious. 

Her attention is on Kurtis's back as he disappears through the chaos. She cuts down four more slavers with ease as she stalks him.

Everything had been going fine. They were having a very reasonable discussion with a very unreasonable psychopath. Jesper didn't reach for his guns and Nina didn't do more than glare. Kurtis was distracted. All they had to do was wait for the signal.

She really has no one to blame, but herself. Kurtis was rambling and she let her mind wander to worrying about Kaz. Her attention drifted to her ship. She snapped her gaze back, but it was too late.

Kurtis looked at her, eyes narrowed. “Sink it.”

Everyone sprang into action. Slavers ran for the cannons and raised their guns. Jesper summoned his Grisha abilities to divert the cannonballs away from the Wraith. He was swaying from the effort, but pulled out his guns and started shooting. 

Nina cut off the air supply of a handful of slavers, killing them or knocking them out. Wylan must've reached the cannons, because her ship was slowly taking out the others with exploding cannonballs that immediately erupted into flames. 

“Get to the Wraith!” She yelled to Nina and Jesper. “Make sure Kaz is safe and then go. Tell Wylan to shoot down as many ships as possible while you flee. Head towards shore. Matthias knows the nearest port, talk to him.”

She turned away, expecting her orders to be followed. Her mission was to kill Kurtis, preferably slowly. 

She weaves through the crowd, avoiding knives, guns, and fists. A few more people fall to her blades, but she barely notices as she watches her target. 

The Wraith has turned, pulling away from the group. The cannons still fire, taking down a few more ships. 

Kurtis hops over to a nearby ship. Inej grabs a rope and swings herself after him. She twists in the air to land in front of him.

His eyes are wild, “Look at you. Queen of the Sea, they call you. I've never been that impressed.”

“You will pay double for every drop of blood you spilt, every bone you broke, every cruel act you did.”

“I thought you were religious. I was told you were merciful.” He smirks coldly, pulling out a set of knives.

“My Saints are merciful.” She says. “Unfortunately, I am only human.”

She spares one last glance towards the Wraith to see it's pulling away. Good, her friends are safe. She feels a twinge of sadness to know they left her, but relief that they are out of harm's way overwhelms the feeling. 

It's just her and Kurtis now.

She launches herself at him. He twists away. They circles each other smoothly, trading blows. 

He's stronger and has good control of his knives. She's quicker and is as familiar with her knives as with her hands. 

Inej delivers three quick hits, catching his jaw on her last one. He counters with a lunge that she has to backpedal to avoid.

She resets her feet, watching him carefully. He grins madly, “Did you hear him scream? Delightful wasn't it.”

She slashes recklessly at him.

“He broke so easily. All it took was me touching him. We had such fun.”

She jabs at him. He dodges.

“Did you know he'll scream if you run a hand down his chest? Or better yet, kiss his neck, his jaw, his lips-"

Inej throws a knife at him. It hits his shoulder and he breaks off with a grunt of pain. He quickly recovers though swiping at her. His knife connects with her braid, cutting half of it off.

Inej forces her mind to tune out his words. He's trying to make her angry. She needs to focus. 

She watches his movements. The pattern starts to become clear. She folds herself into the dance, swirling, turning, and striking effortlessly. She lets go, trusting her training and skill. 

With one clean swipe she removes the knife from his hand and his hand from his arm. Kurtis gasps, then moans as he reaches for the stump. 

Inej knocks him to the ground. She steps on his hurt arm, making him scream with pain. 

It's easy to imagine torturing him, making him scream, but she thinks of her Saints, how her parents raised her, and the choices she's made. 

Inej grants him the most mercy she can. She cleanly severs his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you really wanted a bloody death for Kurtis, I'm sorry, but I couldn't. The thing that makes Inej so unique is her goodness even after the things she's seen and done. I believe she'd be tempted to lash out, but in the end would choose the kindest option she had. So that's my reasoning, hope you agree or at least understand why I made that choice.
> 
> I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented. This last week was a tough week for me. Thanks for being a bright spot in my week. I hope you all had wonderful weeks and have even better weekends :)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm happy they are back together. I missed writing them interacting.

Inej is almost to shore. She killed the few crew members on board and left the other ships sinking or frantically putting out flames. 

Her saints wouldn't be proud of her tonight, but she doesn't regret it. The world is better without those men. She hadn't killed them cruelly, but she hadn't hesitated. 

She reaches the port and sees the Wraith docked nearby. It's bearing a few scratches and burns but looks alright. Her hands glide over the railing as she boards. 

“Wylan? Matthias?” She calls. There is no sign of them on the deck, so she heads below. “Jes? Nina?”

She doesn't find them. Her relief at seeing her ship mostly unharmed fades away. Her mind starts spinning wildly. Where would they have gone?

Maybe they needed supplies, but she doubts Kaz could walk. Maybe someone followed them and took them. Maybe they're in danger. 

She's preparing to march into the city, guns blazing and demand their return, when she sees a flicker of white.

Attached to the main mast is a slip of paper fluttering in the wind. 

“Inej, went to hospital. Sorry we couldn't wait. Meet us there.” 

It's Wylan's neat handwriting. She pockets the note and strides off in search of the hospital. 

She forces her mind to be blank. If she starts thinking of reasons they needed to get to the hospital, she'll lose it. 

The city is gray, cold, and quiet. It's the kind of city she'd expect in the freezing climate of Fjerda, but it still makes her uneasy. The people she passes glance at her, but continue on their way. It's gloomy. 

“Inej!” She looks up to she Matthias running towards her. He pulls her into a tight hug. It startles her and she finds herself hugging back. “We were worried about you! I was just coming to find you.”

“How is he?” Inej asks. She can't do small talk right now.

“He's…” Matthias half turns away, so he doesn't have to meet her eyes. “He's alive. The doctors are doing what they can.”

Inej swallows hard. She doesn't like the sound of that. “Take me to him.”  
______________________________________________________

Nina would pity anyone who has to face Inej’s glare right now, but the head nurse holds firm. 

“I'm sorry miss, but you will have to wait here with the rest of your friends. No exceptions. Please sit, we will have someone with you as soon as possible.” The older woman tells Inej firmly. Her back is straight and her glare firm, but her voice is sympathetic. 

Inej scowls and throws herself into a chair. Wylan sits on the floor with Jesper’s head in his lap. Jesper is out cold, using his Grisha powers exhausted him. He really should train them. 

Matthias watches the nurses and doctors hurrying around with a cool, analyzing gaze. The kid, Alek, is asleep against his shoulder. 

They wait. Inej sits backwards in the chair and leans back so she's hanging upside down. Wylan leans against the wall and closes his eyes. Matthias puts his arm around Nina. She pats it reassuringly. 

It grows late and still no one has done more than assure them they are doing their best for Kaz. Jesper wakes up, looking around in a daze. He and Wylan fall asleep against each other. Inej paces. Nina holds Matthias’s hand as he sits completely still. 

It's hard to bear. She wishes she knew what was happening, but she can't tell if the rushing about is because they are worried or just busy. She curls against Matthias trying to block out the panic she feels. 

She must doze off, because suddenly Matthias is shaking her awake. 

“Nina.” He gestures to a young doctor waiting in the front of the room. 

Inej is already up and anxiously waiting. Jesper and Wylan blink sleepily at the doctor. 

“I'm sorry for the long wait. Your friend is recovering now.” She tells them.

Matthias stands up, “Is he alright?”

“Yes.” She assures them. “He has suffered some major injuries, but he is stable now. He has-"

“Can you give us details?” Nina interrupts.

The doctor looks mildly upset at being interrupted yet again, but continues, “He has many cuts that required stitches which we have taken care of as well as some broken bones and heavy bruises that we treated. Those injuries should heal cleanly. There are some major injuries that we are more concerned with. He broke nearly all his ribs. The breaks seemed to have occurred from blunt trauma to the chest. One of the broken ribs pierced his lung. This is-"

“What does that mean? Can that be treated? Can he breathe?” Jesper interrupts frantically.

“Luckily it only caused a minor deflation of his lung.” The doctor tells them. “We reinflated the lung and removed any excess air. His oxygen supply was low so we had him on oxygen for a while, but it's back to normal levels now. We don't expect further complications though he will be in pain, from both the lung as well as the broken ribs.”

“We were more concerned with the cuts on his back. They appear to be from a whip. He lost a large amount of blood. We were able to stop the bleeding, but he had already lost too much blood to recover on his own. We tried using fluids, which failed, so we performed a blood transfusion. We will be keeping a close eye on him to make sure there are no negative results, but he was doing well when I left.”

“Will they scar?” Wylan asked quietly.

“Yes. We stitched them as neatly as possible, but he will have scars.” She pauses so they can take that in. “He also had a fractured knee and shoulder. We were able to reset his shoulder and put it in a sling, but had to perform surgery on his knee. He won't be able to walk on it for a while and as it appears to have been broken before, we are not sure how well he will be able to use it after.”

“But he'll be able to walk right?” Alek bursts in. Nina hadn't noticed him join them until now. 

“Yes, but I'm not sure how well.” 

Alek is wide eyed. Matthias puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. Wylan and Jesper look faint. Inej stands rigidly.

“What about his hands?” Inej asks. 

“Hands are tricky to set.” The doctor says. “However we have a… very talented staff member who set them for him.”

Matthias and Nina make eye contact. They are familiar with Fjerda and know that “very talented staff member" means Grisha, who is valuable to the hospital so they are protected from the Druskelle. 

“He should be able to use his hands and with some physical therapy regain close to full ability.” She says. “Our scans show he has a concussion, but we will have to evaluate the severity of it when he wakes up. We will also want to have a doctor talk to him about any mental trauma he may have experienced.”

She smiles kindly, “Do you have any other questions?”

“Can we see him?” Matthias asks.

“Yes.” She guides them down a hallway. “He's unconscious right now. We have him on painkillers and he was put under for surgery, so he will probably be groggy when he wakes up.”

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Wylan asks.  
The doctor gives him a gentle pat, “Just be there for him. He'll probably be disoriented when he wakes up. Try to keep him as calm and as still as possible.”

She opens the door for them, “I'll have some more chairs brought up.”

The room is dark. It has the clean, blank feeling that all hospital rooms have. Despite the neatness, it feels like sickness is just hanging in the air. It's depressing. 

Kaz looks small in the middle of the bed. His skin is pale. A few tubes and wires are attached to him. They measure his heartbeat, oxygen levels, pump fluids and painkillers into him. 

It's strange to see him out of a suit or expensive shirt. The hospital gown makes him look worse. It's not right to see Kaz lying helpless and broken. 

The doctor returns with three nurses carrying chairs. The room is crowded as those are added to the three chairs already in the room. They are left alone with instructions to find a nurse if Kaz wakes up or anything goes wrong.

Matthias takes the chair closest to Kaz. He carefully rearranged the blankets around Kaz. He leans in. Nina can't hear what he says, but she does see how his eyes shine with tears. 

Jesper is crying openly. He curls up on the foot of Kaz’s bed. Wylan pulls a chair over to sit where he can see Kaz and hold Jesper’s hand. 

Alek hugs his knees to his chest, looking out of place and scared. Nina sits between him and Matthias. 

Inej smooths Kaz’s hair. Nina can't read the look on her face. Then Inej carefully lays down beside him. She curls on her side careful not to jostle him or touch him.  
Nina falls asleep listening to the machine beep with Kaz’s heartbeat.  
______________________________________________________

Wylan is the only one awake when Kaz wakes up. He's quietly watching Kaz when his eyes flicker open. They quickly squeeze shut. Kaz slowly opens them again, blinking and squinting though the lights are dimmed.

His breathing starts to pick up as he takes in the unfamiliar surroundings. He frantically searches the room, until his eyes fall on Wylan.

“You're safe.” Wylan immediately reassures him. “We're all safe.”

“Wylan?” Kaz croaks. Wylan nods reaching out to pat him, but stopping because it will probably hurt him. “I feel weird.”

“They have you on a lot of drugs right now.” Wylan says. “You also have a concussion.”

Kaz blinks at him. His eyes close again. His breathing slows down again. 

Then he jolts up, “Where's Inej!?!”

Wylan reaches for him. Kaz gasps and falls back to the pillow. The beep of the monitor tells Wylan his heart rate is increasing. 

“Inej! Where's Inej!”

Kaz sitting up as well as his cries woke Inej and she sits up, instantly alert. 

“Kaz.” She rests a hand on his shoulder lightly. He jerks, but his eyes focus on her. He sits up again, throwing himself at her. He cries out as he hurts himself, but holds on to her.

“Inej. Inej. Inej.” He cries as he holds her. 

“Kaz?” She seems to be struggling to figure out where to hold him. 

Matthias woke up in the commotion. He gets up to find a nurse. 

Inej eases Kaz back to the pillow, muttering softly to him the whole time. He moans as his head hits the pillow.

“My head is going to explode.” Kaz mumbles. 

“Matthias went to get a nurse.” Inej tells him. “You have a concussion. It's probably giving you a headache.”

He stares at her for a full minute, “Yeah… Wylan said that… Wylan!”

“Right here.” Wylan says, tapping his arm. 

“Your hair is red.”

“Uh, yes.” Wylan nods. 

“Wylan.” He mutters softly. “Jesper, Nina-!”

“Jesper is asleep by your feet. Nina is to you left. Matthias will be right back.” Wylan fills him in. “Oh, and the kid you were with, Alek, he's here too. I can wake them up if you want.”

Wylan doesn't wait for a response knowing they'll want to see him. He gently wakes Jesper and Nina, but let's the boy sleep.

“Kaz! How are you feeling?” Nina asks. 

“You're beautiful.” He tells her. Nina blushes. Kaz reaches his less hurt arm out to touch her. She gently grabs his wrist.

“Thanks, Kaz.” She smiles. “How are you feeling?”

“Everything is floating. My head is broken.” 

She squeezes his wrist lightly. Jesper slides forward so he's sitting on the bed next to Kaz. 

“You're warm.” Kaz sighs shifting very slightly towards Jesper. 

Matthias returns with the doctor then. She examines Kaz quickly and effectively. She nods her approval at what she sees.

“Everything looks good. I'll check him for concussion symptoms in the morning. For tonight get lots of rest.” She says. “Are you in any pain?”

Kaz stares at her blankly, so Inej steps in, “His head hurts.”

“I'd expect as much after a head injury. I'd rather not give him more drugs though. Call me if it gets worse, otherwise I think it's best to wait it out.”

Kaz drift in and out of consciousness. They stay near him, because he panics whenever he wakes up. 

“Matthias?” He calls.

“Right here Kaz.” Matthias tells him for the tenth time in the last hour.

“Gift of the Lord.”

“What?”

“That's what your name means.” Kaz mumbles. “Gift of the Lord.”

“Really?” Matthias smiles. “What does yours mean?”

“Peacemaker.” Kaz smirks. They all laugh at the irony.

It's nearly midnight and they are all exhausted and starting to drift off. Even as they fall asleep they are attuned to Kaz.

“I'm cold.” Kaz says as if talking to himself. Then he repeats it louder, “Jes? I'm cold.”

Jesper huddles closer to him, “Better? Do you want me to see if I can get a blanket?”

“No. You're warm.” Kaz sighs.

They wait for Kaz to fall asleep, but he doesn't. Each time his eyes start to close he forces them open again.

“You can sleep.” Inej says. “It's late, get some rest.”

There's a long heavy pause.

“I'm scared.”

Jesper presses more firmly into his side. Inej lays next to him and lays an arm across his stomach. Nina and Matthias take the end of the bed. The rest against each other. Wylan squishes in next to Jesper. 

Normally Kaz would've panicked. Wylan suspects that the drugs and the concussion have confused his brain enough that he doesn't panic. When he sees Kaz’s expression his opinion changes, Kaz looks scared. Wylan grits his teeth hoping that maniac Kurtis is having a miserable afterlife.

“Sleep. We'll be right here.” Matthias says.

Inej whispers to Kaz softly as he falls asleep. They huddled together as they too, drift off. 

They all stay close to Kaz. Jesper and Inej are pressed against his sides, gently, of course. Nina and Matthias curl up, but with a hand resting on his shins. Wylan reaches across Jesper to lightly hold his wrist. 

When the nurse checks in, she is surprised to see them all in the bed. It's a large number of people for a small bed. They intertwine holding each other up. If even one person were gone, the rest of the group would fall. She quietly closes the door, letting them sleep.


End file.
